Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.

   Still trying to figure out what base "furniture shopping" is.

   If I had a bowl of Tic Tacs and told you that Donald Trump used them so he was ready to kiss women without their permission would you vomit?

   Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

   Y'all freaking out about the clowns as if women aren't afraid of being murdered by strange men while walking alone at night all the time.

   At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.

   Hmmmmmm ..... One says nasty words ........ The other does Nasty things. I wonder which one would hurt you most.

   hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that

   I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.

   ..... This is really weird .... For some strange reason ..... every time I pick up my Cat I end up thinking about Donald Trump.

   hope the next presidential debate starts with a handshake, instead of Trump grabbing Hillary by.........

   My wife says we will only eat orange Skittles while watching the second presidential debate.

   Did you know the women in Trump's family learned a long time ago how to protect their private parts when Trump is around them.

   Hey, If American women are outraged at a presidential candidate's use of Naughty words .... Who the heck bought those ... 80 MILLION COPIES OF 50 SHADES OF GREY????

   Has anyone considered that Trump might be a Galaxy Note 7?

   The crappy thing is,,, there are people that will vote for Trump,,, but would punish their kids for just saying the word "Pu$$y".

   We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.

   I once saw Tony the Tiger and the Trix rabbit having Chex. It was grrrrrrross.

   The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.

   Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.