Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.

   My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam..

   It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.

   This status is brought to you today...by the neighbor's router

   Apple introduced the new iPad Mini…for those light days.

   I was going to dress up like Hillary this year for Halloween, but my head would'n't fit up my a**.

   I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.

   At my age I would rather change a tire than a diaper.

   For my wife's birthday, I bought her a small bottle of exclusive perfume called ample. I just hope she doesn't notice where I scraped off the "S"

   "According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls."

   Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..

   "Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."

   How is everyone talking about the next presidential debate and not one person is talking about Chipotle now having chorizo?!

   One of my fave discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.

   Try to repeal the19th amendment and we'll pass the 28th amendment where you have to eat all our pussies before you can buy beer.

   Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

   "If everyone can stop stepping on this, I will take it home, rinse and eat it!," I yell as I try to gather the rice thrown at a wedding.

   She's Like the Wind is my favorite romantic ballad about a beautiful young girl who farts a lot.