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We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
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10-08-2016 17:18
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I once saw Tony the Tiger and the Trix rabbit having Chex. It was grrrrrrross.
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10-08-2016 16:45
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The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.
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10-08-2016 16:36
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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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10-08-2016 16:31
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I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life.
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10-08-2016 16:30
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Did you know that grapefruit tastes like it's trying to kill you.
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10-08-2016 16:29
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Netflix removed my 3 year old's favorite movie. THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!
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10-08-2016 16:28
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My stripper name would be "Placebo Effect".
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10-08-2016 16:27
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I have serious problems with intimacy and first impressions and friendships and strangers and everything else.
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10-08-2016 16:26
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Grocery Store List: -Bottle of Wine. -Wheel of Cheese. -Get Well Soon card (for myself).
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10-08-2016 16:25
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Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine.
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10-08-2016 16:24
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She calls it "making love." I call it "trying to destroy her."
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10-08-2016 16:23
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I enjoy short walks into oncoming traffic.
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10-08-2016 16:22
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There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.
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10-08-2016 16:22
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Now pretend I said that sarcastically and read it again.
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10-08-2016 16:21
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If you start quoting The Bible to me, I'll assume the exorcism has begun.
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10-08-2016 16:20
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When the power goes out my family and I play with our phones by candlelight like in the old days.
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10-08-2016 16:19
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Perhaps it's time to cross-breed an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.
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10-08-2016 16:18
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Donald "No Pants" Duck was a bird truly ahead of his time.
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10-08-2016 16:17
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Still not 100% clear on Applebee's BYOB policy.
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10-08-2016 16:16
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