Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating


Search Messages:
Page: 1126 of 6446

   messageicon We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 17:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I once saw Tony the Tiger and the Trix rabbit having Chex. It was grrrrrrross.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did you know that grapefruit tastes like it's trying to kill you.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Netflix removed my 3 year old's favorite movie. THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My stripper name would be "Placebo Effect".
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have serious problems with intimacy and first impressions and friendships and strangers and everything else.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Grocery Store List: -Bottle of Wine. -Wheel of Cheese. -Get Well Soon card (for myself).
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon She calls it "making love." I call it "trying to destroy her."
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I enjoy short walks into oncoming traffic.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now pretend I said that sarcastically and read it again.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you start quoting The Bible to me, I'll assume the exorcism has begun.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When the power goes out my family and I play with our phones by candlelight like in the old days.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Perhaps it's time to cross-breed an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Donald "No Pants" Duck was a bird truly ahead of his time.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Still not 100% clear on Applebee's BYOB policy.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:16 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left