Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to go see "The Girl On The Train" and my wife wants to see "Sully" So we compromised and are going to see "Sully"

   For all of you conspiracy theorists out there, We finally have Absolute Proof Osama Bin Laden is dead. Yesterday he registered to vote Democrat!!!

   Apparently calling your wife, who thinks you're at work, while you're standing outside the living room window and asking "have you seen any clowns outside" isn't very funny.

   When I was young, I grabbed them by their pony tail......

   My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.

   You know you're getting old when every time you are near a bathroom you think, "I might as well pee while I'm here"

   When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

   I just finished reading “50 shades of Grey” by Sherwin Williams. I don’t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.

   Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.

   My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam..

   It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.

   This status is brought to you today...by the neighbor's router

   Apple introduced the new iPad Mini…for those light days.

   I was going to dress up like Hillary this year for Halloween, but my head would'n't fit up my a**.

   I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.

   At my age I would rather change a tire than a diaper.

   For my wife's birthday, I bought her a small bottle of exclusive perfume called ample. I just hope she doesn't notice where I scraped off the "S"

   "According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls."