Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every story about edible weed: 1) Not high. 2) Not high. 3) Still not high. 4) Not high. 5) Please drive me to the emergency room.

   Nice try, generic Cap'n Crunch, but the roof of my mouth isn't bleeding....

   It's pronounced PokeMON. Not PokeMAN, grandpa. You've completely ruined this baptism.

   Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I'd be like cool I'm going home to eat.

   The early bird gets the worm some coffee because he's nice.

   I'll remember which side my gas tank is on when I'm dead.

   Call your doctor if your election lasts longer....I meant erection, but omg I can't wait for this election to be over!!!

   Everybody at this sports bar looks like a deleted selfie.

   Call your man "Boyoncé" today so he feels empowered.

   If Scott Baio doesn't scream out BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YOU SAY BAIO BAIOOO during sex then clearly he's not in charge of anything.

   When someone asks you to guess their age it's best to go low. That's why I always say 3, just in case.

   Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.

   I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.

   Just tried to kill a roach with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.

   My girlfriend and I went looking at rings the other day. I decided on the onion cut. She was not amused.

   During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.

   Why aren't there breakfast bars that taste like bacon and eggs or biscuits and gravy??

   I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.

   Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear a coat and tie. Or even a tux if they want.