Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Top 5 Fears: 1) Snakes. 2) Tornados. 3) Avalanches. 4) Spiders. 5) A baby not high fiving me back.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Birth control pills should come in Pez dispensers that feature a tiny baby head crying on top.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Donald Trump has no political experience. Meanwhile you need 5 years experience for an entry level management position at Chili's.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Lady and the Tramp spaghetti kiss scene except it's me, alone, eating a Hot Pocket over my sink.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it still called a mimosa if it's with vodka and there's no champagne and it's in a flask and you're in a dumpster?
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When someone tells me their baby's name is Chance I just assume it's because the condom broke.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe North Korea just needs a Snickers bar.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you're valet parking your PT Cruiser you should just hand over the keys and tell them to drive it off a cliff.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ariana Grande's body is 60 percent water and 40 percent ponytail.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If anyone over tells you your dreams are silly, remember there's a millionaire walking around who invented the pool noodle.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Don't wear white after Labor Day" was the original first rule of Fight Club.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How to Defeat Bears: 1) Play dead. 2) Stand up tall. 3) Have them use Jay Cutler as their quarterback.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What's your favorite part of Fall? Leaves changing color? Crisp weather? Realizing we're all marching towards imminent death? Hot cocoa?
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People always ask why no one immediately moves out of a haunted house but it's like UGH moving suuuuuucks.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So weird that National Vodka Day last week happens on the same day as Text Your Ex Day.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Love corn mazes because they're a festive way to feel like you might never escape the hellish walls you're surrounded by.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My favorite ghost story begins with "You have 14 invites waiting for you on LinkedIn..."
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hook-up culture's not for me. I'd rather get to know someone, find out they're not right for me, then keep dating them for 2-3 years.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know what clowns are afraid of? Bullets.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 02:56 Comments (0)  




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