Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ariana Grande's body is 60 percent water and 40 percent ponytail.

   If anyone over tells you your dreams are silly, remember there's a millionaire walking around who invented the pool noodle.

   "Don't wear white after Labor Day" was the original first rule of Fight Club.

   How to Defeat Bears: 1) Play dead. 2) Stand up tall. 3) Have them use Jay Cutler as their quarterback.

   What's your favorite part of Fall? Leaves changing color? Crisp weather? Realizing we're all marching towards imminent death? Hot cocoa?

   People always ask why no one immediately moves out of a haunted house but it's like UGH moving suuuuuucks.

   So weird that National Vodka Day last week happens on the same day as Text Your Ex Day.

   Love corn mazes because they're a festive way to feel like you might never escape the hellish walls you're surrounded by.

   My favorite ghost story begins with "You have 14 invites waiting for you on LinkedIn..."

   Hook-up culture's not for me. I'd rather get to know someone, find out they're not right for me, then keep dating them for 2-3 years.

   You know what clowns are afraid of? Bullets.

   Trump: I'm not the man I was for 60 years anymore. Reporter: when did you change? Trump: Thursday

   You must be special kind of dumb if you think an idiot who became a billionaire celebrity and sleeps with models wants to change how this country works.

   Ok straight up, ladies. I love and respect all of you, but you all know how you can be when you're PMS'n. Do we really want a woman for president. I rest my case ! ! !

   This offends me as a vegan transgender atheist German engineer who vapes organic decaffeinated compressed soy breast milk on the regular and a person who does Indian naked crossfit yoga 5 times per week.

   BREAKING NEWS From CNN .... This just in ..... Hillary Clinton just won this and the next Presidential debate by a LANDSLIDE!!! Hail Hillary. .... Wait What?

   Hey ... Does it mean anything when you see an elderly woman hobbling out the back door of the Presidential Debate Stage door crying and screaming vulgarities and met with a limousine driven by Huma Abedin?

   The star of this debate...the fly. 😂😂😂😂

   so many disposable cameras

   The "running man" may no longer be a trendy dance move, but it's a cool way to get out of a boring conversation