Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If I give you a card for any occasion know that there is a 97% chance I bought it 30 minutes before I gave it to you & then signed it while parked in your driveway.
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08-11-2016 18:01 by Snotty
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And in other news… Trump’s design of the wall separating Mexico from USA has been changed and will no longer use thick glass panes for the wall outer surfaces.
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08-11-2016 17:59
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Welcome to parenting.... Hope you like ketchup.
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08-11-2016 17:56 by Snotty
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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that's why I never dated left handed chicks.
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08-11-2016 15:48
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I watched the Olympics last night....I first watched competitive house remodeling, then Cooking with the nuwave oven, and finally finished the evening off with what I thought was going to be open water shark vacuuming....Olympics have sure changed...
Thank you, ladies. For shaving your pits, legs, bikini,and face. Thank you for makeup and clothes that shape you, and hold it all in. Thank you for face-lifts, tummy tucks, implants and lipo. Sincerely, Us Fake Men.
Really hoping Donald Trump wins the 2020 Olympic fencing competition.
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08-11-2016 13:23
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Now Dammit! The sign says "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." It said nothing of pants! It's so hot...
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08-11-2016 12:36 by John Y
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Don't cry because it's over. Smile because you didn't catch herpes.
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08-11-2016 09:13 by Me.
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Me: Wow that was a lot of pancakes. Time to go though!..... IHOP Manager: *locks doors* I don't think you understand "never ending pancakes" sir.
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08-11-2016 06:12 by Snotty
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Sorry I've been avoiding you like a mall kiosk offering lotion samples.
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08-11-2016 06:05
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Watched a few hours of British TV and now I can't stop calling my shoes trainers.
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08-11-2016 06:03
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School gets out at 2:15 pm so if you don't get in the pickup line by 1:00 you don't love your kid.
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08-11-2016 06:03
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1001 crockpot recipes that all taste like beige mush.
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08-11-2016 06:01
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My cable just went out while watching the Olympics but Comcast told me they would be out to fix it between 8 AM tomorrow and the 2020 games.
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08-11-2016 06:00
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I feel like everyone at this farmers market not eating a McGriddle thinks they are better than me.
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08-11-2016 05:59
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Feels weird pouring this local single sourced organic raw honey on a biscuit from KFC.
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08-11-2016 05:58
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If you write a bunch of tweets about the farmers market from your couch on Sunday morning you can trick people into thinking you do stuff.
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08-11-2016 05:57
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Diary, 1991: wrote that I hoped to meet a guy who'd say "everything I do, I do it for you," then put "besides Jesus" so he wouldn't get mad.
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08-11-2016 05:56
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Very worried that the Olympics might get rid of fencing back when they got rid of landscaping and freestyle carpentry.
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08-11-2016 05:55
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