Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tim Kaine rubbed my leg under the bathroom stall at the airport.

   Im sooo embarrased.. One day at a DEM convention, I yawned and Bill stuck his cokc in my mouth.

   I have paid Tim Kaine to jack off my dog for entertainment purposes as recent as March of 2016

   Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.

   I went to Smith's Deli and asked for a baked chicken thigh. I got a breast instead. I hope the kid working the deli isn't a med student.

   How does Hillary get soooo much JUNK in her TRUNK you ask?? She steals it duh.

   what are we gonna post after the election.. no material.

   Justin Trudeau should just run the whole of North America!

   Spoiler alert: Going to more than one rodeo does not make you any smarter.

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance.

   Recently learned that it's impossible to make eye contact with a hotel maid while giving her used hand towels.

   "That's the spirit!" she said, picking her poltergeist out of a police lineup.

   Question: What part of this $7.50 Walmart t-shirt makes you think I'd like to see the wine list?

   Just when you think parenting can't be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can't get a squirrel to hug him.

   Perhaps next year's Columbus Day sales would be a 24-hour shoplifting spree.

   Don't let the door hit your 'Man Bun' on the way out.

   There is always a black woman on the bus having a loud argument on the phone.

   Seven billion other people on the planet. Congrats on yet another day without having your genitals collide with any of em.

   A week of Conservative attacks against Bill Clinton's character and sexual indiscretions has me convinced Bill Clinton won't win this election.

   Just ordered "coffee" off the Starbucks secret menu.