Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday." -Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

   The Story Of Milk: Good milk. Bad milk. Disgusting milk. Dangerous milk. Cheese! I love a happy ending.

   Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to "stay"....

   Your soulmate is currently working their way through several other soulmates before they finally get to you.

   If I had a gold medal, I'd tell people I won it in the Mugging Gold Medalists event.

   Teens spend 72% of their time on their phones and 28% of their time on other people's phones.

   A leaf blower is specifically designed to make your problem someone else’s.

   My salary does not come close to matching the level of busyness I fake at work.

   Things I Have Going For Me: I farted just as my boss walked out of the room so everyone thinks it was him.

   Nothing can equate to the horror of looking a wheelchair bound person in the eye as you finally exit the handicapped stall.

   Paul Manafort and Vladimir Putin walk into a Russian vodka bar. There's no joke. It's just business.

   If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

   Obama has disgraced the memory of the black U.S. presidents that came before him.

   Drug corners are the original pop-up shops.

   ... Turns out that FBI Director James Comey absolutely wanted to recommend the Indictment of Hillary Clinton. But found out that if he did ...... he might end up committing Suicide!

   The Cub's fired the sound guy for playing "smack my btich up" but kept the guy who actually smacked his btich up!!

   ... Hillary Clinton has released her position on Trade....... She will Trade Political Favors for Money.

   There are Pumas wearing shirts with Usain Bolt's likeness on them.

   currently in the county jail trying to explain to the man in uniform that I was playing pokemon, trying to catch a pikachu when he caught me looking in your window.

   Hey parents: I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.