Funny Status Messages
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OK folks ... I have been working to unify relativity and quantum mechanics into a single unified theory of life the universe and everything........ So far I have discovered that beer is good. 
Which part of this $5.99 Walmart t-shirt makes you wonder if I would like to see the wine list?
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can't spell.
Last night My wife asked me to take her breath away, so I hid her inhaler
Last night a jet flew so close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down
"If Hillary had balls, I would lick them.mmm yummy" - Anderson Cooper
Ladies, if you want a man you loves you for your brains and not your body, then date a zombie.
October is the month you affirm your socioeconomic status by going to a dirty farm.
Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn't have a hit song about taking care of business?
Do these corduroys make me look like I have the Felicity DVD box set?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Everyone has that one friend who goes on and on about how good roasted pumpkin seeds are. You know, the liar friend.
Just when I thought 2016 couldn't get any worse, I realize my Kohl's cash has expired.
My household now communicates exclusively through slammed doors and the clattering of cutlery thrown angrily into drawers.
Scary Halloween costume idea: nobody having more respect for women than Donald Trump.
If you're curious about how cool I was in high school just know that I can do several tricks with a yo-yo.
I saw the pictures you posted of your baby at the pumpkin patch and I felt nothing.
Our family rule is that if the kid's costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Hipster haunted house but it's just a Trader Joe's filled with Walmart brand products.
Love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display. 