Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: this Weight Watchers candy is amazing.... Friend: that's just an upside down M&M

   Deez Nuts: Fictional Presidential Candidate Ahead of Hillary Clinton, Poll Finds

   Wooden spoon survivor!

   Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.

   And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   Prisoner 1: What are you in for?.... PEE WEE HERMAN: Sperm bank heist.... Prisoner1: How'd you get caught?.. PEE WEE: I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY SAW ME COMING!

   Me: I can't believe Sarah Jessica Parker is going for Olympic gold at her age... Wife: Ummmm,,, You're watching Equestrian dressage.

   Well, One place that HASN'T recovered from the financial recession is Atlantis,,, I came back from a visit last week and sadly,, most every house I saw ,,,, Still entirely underwater

   Apple: If we're forced to build a tool to hack iPhones, someone could steal it... FBI: Nonsense... Russia: We just released NSA's hacking tools

   Jesus is going to be much harder to find with all these hipsters running around.

   Pay attention, 007,,, This might look's like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   I've spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the game so I may need new meds...

   Someone said that I am easily insulted, I can't believe that ***** said that !

   I hate when a woman says "You probably say that to every girl you meet" Like don't you use the same resume for all the jobs you apply for?

   Hey idiots, Donald said he's going to "cut Taxes" NOT "cut Texans"

   DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

   "This is all your fault!" my wife moaned this morning. "What the hell have I done now?" I asked her. "Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've just woke up."

   You enter through the gates of hell, and it’s just Steven Seagal standing there asking you which one of his movies you want to watch first.

   .... Something new for America ... Hillary And Kaine’s White Minority Plan, “Whites Need To Learn Their Lesson”

   When is the Olympic participation awards ceremony?