Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NASA reports surging applications for astronaut training programs proves trending interest in space exploration. That or maybe more interest in leaving the planet after this lame election...

   After tomorrow we'll no longer be hating folks because of their candidate. We can go back hating them for how they eat, or what movie they like

   We all knew the first woman president would have to crawl through hell to get there. This is just what hell looks like.

   I really hope Hillary starts her acceptance speech with "AM I SMILING ENOUGH FOR YOU NOW?"

   The bouncers at all the bars in my town call me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone..

   Due to the election I may start a moving co.

   As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

   True story: I met an Asian baby named Gary this morning, if any of you needed a pick-me-up.

   The last thing someone who can't decide what to make for dinner needs is 101 different crock pot choices.

   You'd be surprised how much stolen Halloween candy you can fit in your mouth when you hear your kid coming.

   It's about time men started winning Woman of the Year awards. This inequality has gone on long enough.

   Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety.

   Gosh I'm so glad Bono was named woman of the year. White men are hardly ever given favor over their completely qualified female competitors.

   No one believes your brand new Cubs hat.

   It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

   Let's get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour you can make a boxed dinner while I figure out common core math homework.

   The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.

   Irony is these two idiots at Starbucks complaining about the price of gas.

   Would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

   Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink.