Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know you're getting old when every time you are near a bathroom you think, "I might as well pee while I'm here"
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just finished reading “50 shades of Grey” by Sherwin Williams. I don’t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam..
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This status is brought to you today...by the neighbor's router
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Apple introduced the new iPad Mini…for those light days.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was going to dress up like Hillary this year for Halloween, but my head would'n't fit up my a**.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon At my age I would rather change a tire than a diaper.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For my wife's birthday, I bought her a small bottle of exclusive perfume called ample. I just hope she doesn't notice where I scraped off the "S"
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls."
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How is everyone talking about the next presidential debate and not one person is talking about Chipotle now having chorizo?!
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One of my fave discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:10 Comments (0)  




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