Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1116 of 6446

Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
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10-15-2016 05:49
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You know you're getting old when every time you are near a bathroom you think, "I might as well pee while I'm here"
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10-15-2016 05:49
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When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
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10-15-2016 05:48
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I just finished reading “50 shades of Grey” by Sherwin Williams. I don’t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
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10-15-2016 05:48
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Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
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10-15-2016 05:47
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My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...
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10-15-2016 05:46
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Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam..
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10-15-2016 05:46
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It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
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10-15-2016 05:46
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This status is brought to you today...by the neighbor's router
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10-15-2016 05:45
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Apple introduced the new iPad Mini…for those light days.
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10-15-2016 05:44
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I was going to dress up like Hillary this year for Halloween, but my head would'n't fit up my a**.
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10-15-2016 05:44
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I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
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10-15-2016 05:43
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At my age I would rather change a tire than a diaper.
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10-15-2016 05:43
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For my wife's birthday, I bought her a small bottle of exclusive perfume called ample. I just hope she doesn't notice where I scraped off the "S"
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10-15-2016 05:41
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"According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls."
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10-15-2016 05:40
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Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.
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10-15-2016 05:40
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If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..
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10-15-2016 05:40
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"Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."
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10-15-2016 05:39
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How is everyone talking about the next presidential debate and not one person is talking about Chipotle now having chorizo?!
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10-15-2016 05:12
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One of my fave discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
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10-15-2016 05:10
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