Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When you volunteer at a soup kitchen, apparently it’s “inappropriate” to put out a tip jar.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 21:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 21:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't call 911 when you hear screaming and yelling at one of my family gatherings. We're Greek, and just having fun cooking dinner.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 21:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sure it's nice to let your kids be independent, but sometimes it's also nice to not have ketchup all over your kitchen.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 21:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No one told me how much of parenting would be spent standing in my kitchen holding a trombone while naked children run past.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 21:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Always pass on the tea and crumpets; I'm more of an arsenic and absinthe kind of girl.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 21:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never leave the house without chili ingredients & tap shoes. I'm always ready for impromptu dance-offs or cook-offs.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 21:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 21:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you’re prepared to spend 1/3 of your day wiping goo that could’ve been secreted by a Xenomorph or a child, parenting is for you.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 21:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Omg! I just hit a woman on my bike. Just kidding.. I don't ride in the kitchen!
←Rate | 10-15-2016 15:01 by michael hall Comments (0)  


   messageicon Im so broke I have black boy in Africa sponsoring me.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 15:00 by michael hall Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want to go see "The Girl On The Train" and my wife wants to see "Sully" So we compromised and are going to see "Sully"
←Rate | 10-15-2016 14:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For all of you conspiracy theorists out there, We finally have Absolute Proof Osama Bin Laden is dead. Yesterday he registered to vote Democrat!!!
←Rate | 10-15-2016 10:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Apparently calling your wife, who thinks you're at work, while you're standing outside the living room window and asking "have you seen any clowns outside" isn't very funny.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 10:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was young, I grabbed them by their pony tail......
←Rate | 10-15-2016 07:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know you're getting old when every time you are near a bathroom you think, "I might as well pee while I'm here"
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just finished reading “50 shades of Grey” by Sherwin Williams. I don’t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:48 Comments (0)  




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