Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm gonna light a tire fire on my front lawn & just chant all day & night until my kids start school again so everyone understands my pain.

   Finally got the rest of that Butterfinger out of my teeth that I ate in 2014.

   Sorry I told your kid beehives were nature's honey piñatas.

   My last girlfriend said she wanted a commitment so I made a large purchase on her credit card.

   Ann Coulter only flies Southwest, because "bags fly free".

   I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts

   Cheer up, Ryan Lochte! You might have lost your Speedo sponsorship, but Just For Men is interested in making you their new spokesman.

   Vegan zombies never stop talking about how they only eat vegetarians.

   Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

   Not to be a downer but after being gone for 33 years now I'm starting to suspect that my Dad isn't still out buying cigarettes....

   Carpool Karaoke except they crash and explode into a ball of flames.

   You can sell your left over weight watchers points on ebay.

   Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?

   Considering they got in a car and floated off into the sky I'd really like to know where Danny and Sandy went off to....

   Celebrating 100 years of people getting false news on the Internet.

   Message to Trump: Before you begin your outreach to minority voters, how about stop calling blacks "the blacks"?

   The sound of college vending machines is the sound of me never getting the body I want.

   If I die by gunshot, at my funeral I want at least three midgets re-enacting the 'bullet scene' from The Matrix.

   Apartment websites should at least have basic info like price, size, and if the upstairs neighbors sound like horses playing musical chairs.

   I can't imagine anyone let alone the B-52's walked outta the Love Shack STD free.