Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got a white noise machine. Not sure how listening to people talk about GoT and pumpkin spice will help me sleep

   Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?

   Cashier just yelled at me to remove my chip card from the reader like I left a dog in a hot car.

   I take all my Christmas pictures a couple months early before I put on all the serious weight.

   Forgot to unlink my Pinterest account from Facebook and now my entire fight club knows how I'm decorating our annual pumpkin patch party.

   This pumpkin patch better have a vintage tractor for us to take pictures on. I'm very serious about this.

   I've never done a triathlon but I did accompany my wife to Michael's, Hobby Lobby, & Joann's to find the perfect autumn table setting.

   Looking for a vegan alternative to cauliflower.

   Can't believe how divided we've become over an election. It's not like it's the color of a dress or something.

   Weird how 2X and 4X power dishwasher pods are the same price, like there's a market for people who only want minimal dishwashing power.

   The only thing I have in common with people who go on Shark Tank is that I, too, cry anytime somebody gives me money.

   You don't need to dress up as Harley Quinn for Halloween, you're 38.

   Just saw a lady walking down the street who looked like she was made out of 80% boot and 20% scarf.

   Owning a cat seems like a really satisfying Instagram experience.

   To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don't care about being healthy and smelling clean."

   Funny how in school we referred to everyone by their first and last names but as adults we're just like "you know what's-his-face."

   No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.

   For Halloween I'm wearing a big mirror on the lower half of my body and going as when you accidentally open your front-facing camera.

   Got a notice from the HOA that I didn't post a pic of my kid at a pumpkin patch.

   I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.