Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1104 of 6384
Finally joined Tinder 'cause I've always wanted to date a white girl named Jazz.
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08-29-2016 04:36
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Thanks Nerds for reminding me its "Doctor", not "Dr" Who; also, I probably made out with your sister at a Motley Crue concert, so shut up!!!
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08-29-2016 04:34
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Miss the old Big Mac styrofoam containers, they made the best coffins for hamsters.
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08-29-2016 04:33
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Life Update: There are more empty Slurpee cups in my apartment than books.
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08-29-2016 04:31
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"Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of kittens"
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08-29-2016 04:30
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Johnny Depp is like that cool guy you looked up to in high school until you went over to his house and saw his night light.
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08-29-2016 04:28
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Did you know, The Peoples Court theme was plagiarized from the threesome scene in the 70's porn film Debbie Does Dallas.
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08-29-2016 04:27
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Tim Kaine seems like he starts decorating his house for Halloween in August.
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08-29-2016 04:23
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Ryan Lochte looks like he has a trophy case for his medals and a separate one for his Adrian Grenier autographed DVD of the Entourage movie.
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08-29-2016 04:18
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When I die, I'd like my remains scattered along the beach. That said, I do not want to be cremated.
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08-29-2016 04:16
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The Burger King Whopperrito, because it's time to face your crippling depression head on.
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08-29-2016 04:15
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I ate my first pot brownie tonight and it finally occurred to me Donald Trump is running for President of the United States of America.
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08-29-2016 04:14
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Wondering if Quentin Tarantino is directing 2016?!?!
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08-29-2016 04:13
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Couple beside me in the restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.
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08-29-2016 04:12
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When our baby craps her diaper, my wife says, "she made daddy a present" so now our 4 year old brings me his turds...
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08-28-2016 17:54
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What happens between a man and a McChicken should stay between that man and the McChicken....
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08-28-2016 15:28
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Let's raise a glass to my whininess. Too bad it's not wineiness.
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08-28-2016 15:27
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What the next three generations will be called: 1) Post-millennials. 2) Generation Z. 3) Mutant crabs picking over irradiated debris.
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08-28-2016 15:25
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I'm not a gold digger, I just know you can't spell finance without fiancé.
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08-28-2016 15:24
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I refuse to tell cashiers how my day is.....
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08-28-2016 15:21
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