Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

   The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

   Guy: I have Covid. Girl: Oh, you mean a mild cold? Guy: What, I can't milk this? Girl: Um... no.

   Why don't people who drive under the speed limit get ticketed like people who drive over the limit? It says "limit"

   Dear Narcissist, I wish I could find a way to love you as much as you love you.

   Hi. I'm God. I created an adversary named Satan. A big drama where I win anyway. Kinda like having the cheat codes to Mario 3.

   Bucket List #83: I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.

   My #1 home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   Took the Plan-B with a RedBull. Make sure this baby get its wings.

   Oh, the hubris! Confusion now has made his masterpiece!

   I'd rather see someone kneel for the flag, than deal with cIowns who are offended by jokes.

   When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

   Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

   Personally I am happily married, unfortunately my wife is not

   Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

   Billion Dollar Idea: Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

   I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

   Welcome to middle age. Only one nostril works

   One more week left to drive recklessly in school zones

   Kid: Do you like corn on the cob? Me: I like it in my mouth! Ha ha.