aaron Funny Status Messages

   someday i'll get that abacus. you can count on it

   Blind people should not skydive. It scares the crap out of their dogs.

   "Nobody move!" -- the name of my stationary store

   Daughter: dad I'm a lesbian Dad: Okay its cool 2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys? Son: I do

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   Cavemen would feel right at home in the 21st century if they watched our commercials.

   If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.

   If people could read my mind I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   I have no super powers. I'm guessing I'm the villain.

   Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule

   I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

   Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"..

   1. Wear a life alert bracelet that says you need to be resuscitated by pizza. 2. Lie on the sidewalk. 3. Feast.

   I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

   I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.

   An onion just told me a joke. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

   My personal workout routine would include jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck & carrying too much weight on my shoulders.

   fact: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

   The lady at the gambler's hotline must be a good luck charm. Right after our chat, I won $50 on an scratch off ticket.