Huck Funny Status Messages

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves

   The only people I trust are the ones that like big butts; they can not lie

   Sign said "WET PAINT" So I emptied my water bottle on it. I'm currently waiting on further instructions.

   I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off

   If you can read this, thank a teacher. Like right now. Break into their house and wake them up.

   The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.

   I just told someone that I have to pee pee. It's hard toggling back and forth between being a parent and being a dude.

   This is normally when Tony Romo is visited by 3 ghosts. The ghost of December Failures past, present and future.

   I'm doing laundry for the whole family. (Not my family - I'm at my neighbors. They're going to be very surprised.)

   1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

   When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the "math" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

   Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

   My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.

   If knowing is half the battle, maybe its time to admit that you are losing the war.

   So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?

   Cringing in regret is my cardio

   Was JFK killed by a lone gunman or was there a conspiracy? Compelling new evidence proves beyond doubt that it makes no difference at all, he's still dead

   m old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far.