Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.

   Hooters is not closing per se. It's going strictly delivery. It's changing its name to "Knockers"...

   The people in 1920 probably thought in 2020 we would have our own space ships and robots... but no. So far we've come up with two-sided tape and rubber bands shaped like animals.

   The Superbowl halftime show will go down in history as "The Vag Chronicles."

   Folks who cheat on their taxes distress me greatly. This is NOT the world in which I want to raise my 26 dependents.

   Back in 11th grade, a guy bugged me about his getting 10 times more girls than I got. I didn't care since 10x0 was still 0.

   Hey, I ain't bragging, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   No disrespect to the Vatican, but the actual first Sunday in Ordinary Time is the first Sunday after the Super Bowl.

   I went to confession last week. Things in my life have apparently gotten way out of hand, and I mean WAY out. For my penance, the priest gave me 3 Hail Marys, 3 Our Fathers and a Crucifixion.

   If you really think about it, "F**k You" is a compliment.

   I wish all women online were in 3D. That's my apartment #. 3D

   I was yelled at by a Delta flight attendant for asking if I could change my seat away from a crying baby. Okay so the crying baby was mine.

   Guilt is simply God's way of letting us know that we're having a real good time.

   My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"

   The art of thinking can be a likened to a wonderful journey... as long as you begin it with a full tank of gas.

   My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.

   NEWS FLASH! I was hired to proof read the original 10 Commandments. Well let me tell you that I found a big mistake with #7. It should have read: Thou shalt not omit adultery.

   I once had a dog who was the best watchdog ever. Well, he WOULDA been if a vacuum cleaner broke into the house.

   I went to buy a set of salad plates. I asked the saleslady at Ross if they had any 8" plates. She said, "Plates are like men." I asked, "How so?" She goes, "They say 8", but they're actually 6".

   It finally dawned on me why I was bad at math. I noticed during school lunch that my sandwiches were only cut in half. The smart kids' sandwiches were cut into trapezoids and parallelograms.