Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

   It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.

   Day one of my waffle cleanse

   I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job, too. I bet he's a web developer.

   Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

   We finally have a story to tell OUR grandchildren, "I was alive the LAST time the Cubs won the world series!"

   I've reached that Stage in Life that when a Woman whispers seductively to me to, "Give it to Her" ....................................... she means my Credit Card

   Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

   Well I ran out of Halloween Candy really early so I just Shut Off all the Lights and Hid .................. Screw the Ships, my Lighthouse, my Rules!

   Just got a email from a Friend Regarding Saturday Night's Halloween Party .................. "Just because you Dressed up as a Brontosaurus doesn't Mean you can Poop in my Yard and Roar at my Neighbors!"

   Anyone else wanna go out for next Halloween as "Narcissistic Introverts with Alcohol and Drug Dependencies coupled with Porn Addictions" ........... or is it just going to be Me again ?

   Hey Hillary, How does it feel like to be aborted 5 days before delivery?

   Remember on Saturday night to set you clocks back an hour and then on Tuesday, not to set the country back 50 years.  .....

   Bad Politicians are elected by Good People who DON'T VOTE!

   Had a few laughs with the boss today. I still hate is guts though.

   Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.

   Trump is the tornado. And Hillary is the trailer park.

   Animals are our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport

   There was a time when I, you know, wouldn't go "down" there...I suggested my girl trim it into a dinosaur shape. That's how my parents got me to eat chicken.

   People wonder what happened to rock n roll. I'll tell you. It's now made by computers with no talent people who talk, not sing over the song, or others who over-sing and think The Voice exemplifies what singing should be.