Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son kept picking Tootsie Rolls instead of Snickers this Halloween like some sort of candy moron.

   It's not acceptable to call 911 when someone eats the last slice of pizza. I know that now.

   No one cares about the pictures of your Cards Against Humanity round.

   Goatees are just fanny-packs for faces.

   Feeling pretty good about myself -- just used the self-checkout line and only needed to call the attendant twice.

   The last time the Cubs won a World Series, the Republican Party favored voting rights for African-Americans.

   Hit the hay. Kick some corn. Slap a tomato. Establish dominance. You own this whole farm now.

   Don't just steal your kids' Halloween candy. Eat it in front of them. Clean up after them. Support them until age 26. Show them who's boss.

   Make baseball more interesting: Divide the nation with hateful rhetoric.

   Why did they call themselves The Breakfast Club? They only ate lunch together.

   Glad the election is ending so people will stop hating me based on my political views and just go back to hating me based on my personality.

   Make sure to use the extra hour this weekend not changing anyone's mind about the election on Facebook.

   Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."

   If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they'll fill your antidepressants faster.

   Extra hour of sleep this weekend. I mean, unless you're a parent. Then it's just like, more morning.

   Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.

   Sure, daylight can be saved tomorrow, but only if it accepts Jesus as its one true savior.

   Don't let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.

   Playboy to replace nudes with photos of Hugh Hefner's nurse feeding him soup.

   I personally prefer Right Twix because I don't agree with Left Twix's stance on crumb control.