Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I left my dorm with my collar buttoned all the way up and returned with it buttoned four buttons down, YOU tell me how my night was....

   Sad people are fun to hang out with. They always have snacks around.

   Happy Birthday posts on Facebook make all the pain go away.

   Ran out of mix an hour ago....drinking this rum straight out of the bottle like a BOSS!!!

   Pope declares Mother Teresa a saint. Kanye West sues the Catholic Church for copyright infringement.

   If you don’t pretend you’re thanking polite ghosts every time you walk through automatic doors, you’re too mature for me.

   All sitcoms make me realize is that my group of friends don't have nearly as much sex as they should.

   Fact: I used to get beat up a lot at vacation bible school.

   Sure we can make out, but I ain't pausing tonights episode of 'Murder She Wrote'.

   "If Hitler loses there will be matzo ball soup trucks on every corner." - Hitler Supporter

   Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?.. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?

   I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.

   Dear Fellow Americans,,, Can't we just all agree to write in "literally anyone else" on our ballots this November?

   Leia walks into the bedroom to find Han staring at himself in the mirror,, holding bagels over his ears.

   Ohhhh, the wonders of Adderall....

   I wonder what kids today are going to tell their kids. 'Yeah. it was rough back then. I didn't get a smartphone til 4th grade and sometimes the wifi didn't work upstairs.'

   Happy Teacher's day to all our Wives, we may have not heard so many lectures before, Thank You

   *Sees a truck: Nice... *Sees a trucker: Oh, impressive... *Sees a truckest: Ah yes,, This is what I came for.

   Cow-tipping cop: Do you know why I pushed you over?... Cow: *sighs... Yes.

   Facebook memories... Just in case you didn't have enough "WTF was I thinking" moments during the day..