Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink.

   Made it to that level of drunk where you knock over a display in a convenience store.

   Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

   Oh yes - please give me more unprompted stories about your kids. I'll just keep imagining injecting my brain with an overdose of Novacaine.

   Instead of saying "for all intents & purposes" you should say "for all incense & porpoises" just for the fun of it.

   Sure, "my day" will eventually come. And I fully anticipate it will be heralded by an unexpected explosion of the Sun.

   They're boarding the Diamond, Platinum, Gold level passengers now. Next is Silver, Copper, Recycled Aluminum and then me: Old Paper Scraps.

   No matter who wins, the US still loses. Neither of them are fit to be president.

   The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they worship satan.

   Anybody out there need some extra daylight? I've been saving a bunch of it since last Spring and I have way more than I need. I'm letting it go pretty cheap, so let me know if you're interested.

   I did a little studying on Einstein's theory of relativity. I discovered that I am not related to him. . .

   I would rather sit in front of Pee Wee Herman at a movie theater while out on a date with OJ Simpson after having drinks at Bill Cosby's bar where they use Flint, MI ice cubes after taking an elevator ride with Ray Rice all while Casey Anthony babysits.

   Anyone find an hour can you please return it thanks. . .

   For those who are constantly pondering whether the Glass is half empty ... or half full, miss the point!!! The Glass is Refillable!

   "The Russians ate my homework" - High school Hillary

   The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they're trafficking children.

   Who has clocks they have to change anymore?

   I just changed my voicemail greeting to “Seriously?”

   FACT: the 2016 election didn't make anyone any uglier than they were already, it just made their pre-existing ugliness easier to see

   Will no longer appear as "Husband on Sailboat" in a Viagra commercial due to a contract dispute. I'd appreciate privacy during this time.