Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was trying to impress my new boss, but it turns out that "collage" is NOT a fancy way to say "college".

   You haven't killed enough of your exes to give me relationship advice.

   KID IN THE 1800s: I will sweep your chimney if it helps feed my family. KID IN THE 2000s: I’m not eating this apple because it is bruised.

   My toddler keeps jumping from the coffee table to the couch. Does anybody know how to turn off airplane mode?

   Multi-coloured drinks make me dizzy and nervous even before I drink them.

   Hate it when the kids can't find their shoes. It really cuts into our time working together to find mommy's keys...and phone...and shoes.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer.

   Does shaking the vending machine count as working out?

   At show-and-tell, it's the kid with the Weebles who gets the raves. You hide your Perry Como album in the desk and tell Mrs. Yee you forgot.

   My wife's celebrity "free pass" is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I'm gonna walk into THAT propeller blade.

   Life is like a picnic: there are ants, hornets, bad potato salad, locked public bathrooms when your kid can't hold it, people, spotty cell recep......

   I heard Colin kaepernick had a choice between cotton and polyester jerseys and wouldn't you know it 'he picked cotton'

   Mexican: "Hey, lets make Mexico Great Again" Other Mexican: "What do you mean 'Again'? ese"

   it possible to start the impeachment process before anyone even wins the election?

   Guys, I need ur advice .... How many hours should I allow my friend to mourn the loss of his phone before I ask him to give me his charger and earphones? 🌚#Serious

   My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.

   Women are natural born artists …….. From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions .

   Winnie Mandela is 80 and still looks fresh and beautiful than most of you 20yr old girls.

   I show my coffeemaker the same love and affection you show your soul mate. And mine doesn't talk back.

   Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; at least you're not the guy at Instagram whose work is to search for and delete all the Nude pics