Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shut the F**k up, eat your turkey and just be thankful!

   That moment when you go to hit the "Like" button and it turns to a heart and you're like "Whoa whoa whoa, I don't like it that much."

   Here's a thought. People are worried about Donald Trump deporting illegal aliens who have a U.S. born child too young to leave behind. Solution: Issue the kid a passport and tell them he can come back when he is old enough to travel on his own.

   I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?

   What did a Hillary supporter say to a Trump supporter on Thanksgiving ? - Happy Thanksgiving America ! from a Canada :)

   If I'm ever arrested..my 1 call will be to the police station to tell them about a bomb scare. No way I'm staying there.

   Kanye West is said to be recovering well in hospital after an 8 hour operation to remove his head from his ass.

   If evolution is real why are there still monkeys? If Google is real why are there still people asking stupid questions?

   mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas!!!

   Kanye West rushed to hospital with suspected ‘dislocated ego’

   If your #PMSing wife hands you #lemons, you better zest them or make lemonade or she'll stab you & squeeze lemon juice into the open wound.

   If putting a straw in a Capri Sun is evidence of my stabbing skills, I hope I'm never in a knife fight.

   Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever and it starts over because it forgot something. That's a five year old kid telling a story.

   Just saw a cop pull over a UHaul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

   Just my luck, first time I get a B.J and it's from a hooker with Asthma !

   [] <- This is my box. I don't want to think outside it, I like my box! No, you can't touch my box! No touchy my box!

   We might be best friends for life, but if we get chased by zombies, I will probably trip you. :)

   Yes ... Stop burning the US flag..... But ALSO stop waving the Mexican flag in America because that's disgusting af

   I just voted for Trump just to make SNL funnier.....

   I establish dominance in a relationship by being a man.