Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, unless you really want to bang me, please stop poking me if you're not going to follow through. . .

   The Michigan fans are worse than the Hillary Clinton's supporters on whining when they lose.

   LOOKING TO PURCHASE A STRIPPER POLE, USED PREFERRED ( I like to lick them ;) :P )

   Never changing the oil in my car ever again! #NoDAPL

   It's 4am...time to start my day. Milk the horse, pluck the goats, plow the chickens, etc. First day as a farmer doesn't sound that hard.

   I'm looking for funding to publish my last two status updates...

   My biggest pet peeve is that people expect me to remember their pet peeves. Please don't forget that!

   I can't wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!

   Yes .... Math is Illegal in Kentucky!! 5 People in Kentucky were arrested last night in the latest Math Lab Bust. .... Either that or they're just crappy at spelling.

   I try to live an #adventurous life but its hard to do it with $17 disposable #income a week.

   Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...

   Do white supremacists shop on Black Friday?

   People think I'm not very bright because I spell cat with a k: cak.

   I can never tell when one someone pokes me right back on facebook if they're really into me or has major OCD.

   When life hands you high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodextrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, yellow 5, tocopherol, and less than 3% natural flavours.........make lemonade.

   It is just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.

   Castro Is Dead. Okay, all you Cubanos in Miami can go back now.

   Famous deaths occur in threes. First Florence Henderson, and now Fidel Castro. There's a pattern here. The only one I can figure out that's the next has to be the meatball sub from Subway.

   Don't you hate it when You look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it

   Came Across a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbor's house