Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope that wherever my missing socks end up, they're happy. That's what really matters.

   Dear Santa: Please refer to my Pinterest board.

   Don't just be part of the couch.... Be the couch.

   After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

   Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have s-e-x, did you? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

   Just put up my three foot Christmas tree, needed my six foot ladder to put the star on

   The mannequin challenge was invented when a democrat was offered a job...

   Childhood is just the ‘free trial’ edition of life. When it ends, you have to pay for the full version or else you’ll lose everything.

   The Mannaquin Challenge isn't new. Some of you have been standing around doing nothing your whole lives.....

   Nothing puts me into the #Christmas spirit like #shopping. On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, On VISA.

   I'm more like Elvis than most Elvis impersonators. I look nothing like him. I dress nothing like him. I sing nothing like him. It's just that women throw their underwear at me. I live in a dryer.

   Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

   If you bought a fruitcake this weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.

   Life is full of fake people. Before you decide to judge them, make sure you're not one of them

   I'm so straight that I eat my Hotdog from the middle

   Tried practicing Fruit Ninja in the kitchen, ended up playing Temple Run with my wife chasing me like an Angry Bird

   The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after a Zebra

   What I envy in women is their ability to argue without any valid points whatsoever and still claim victory.

   Well, all the leaves are off my trees so I guess I'll have to pee inside from now on...

   ..... Congratulations Redblacks!!! ...... Wait a minute .... What the heck is a Redblack? ..... Answer: Another Underdog ..... Who just won the Grey Cup!!! ..... OK .... It's the Canadian (People that live north of the US) ..... version of the Superbowl.