Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions.

   COWORKER: ...and so, my big toe got cut off.... ME:. *farts*.... Sorry, I'm lack-toes intolerant

   Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   Can you be sued for malpractice if you're not really a Gynecologist ?

   Does anyone know WHY Waldo is hiding ?

   Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...

   Based on this Target restroom, either not everyone is shaving off their pubes or they're shaving them off in here!

   Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.

   Why go to all the holiday expense of visiting relatives in another state when you can stay at home and set yourself on fire for free?

   I should of went to the store before I gone to bed but I was to tired and I went to their to early and I was afraid I would loose to much sleep.

   they are making new a fast and furious and a new transformers movie. any hope I had for 2017 being a good year has fast evaporated

   I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.

   Slow dancing with a fat person? That's like trying to move a refrigerator by yourself."

   "What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?? Barackoli.."

   Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss

   All I need to do is find a woman who is as pathetic as me and I will live happily ever after.

   But in my defense if a girl yelling please don't come yet wants me to last longer she should probably try reverse psychology

   Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time

   Later this year the "Thank you tour" will be making its way through Europe

   Forbes says Taylor Swift was the highest earning musician this year taking home $170 million. Every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, she writes a hit song about it. If this doesn't show what men can do for you ladies, I don't know what does.