Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor finally put up his #Christmas lights today. I bet he's mad that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   'When we were kids, we didn't have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren't there, we would get stoned like normal people.'

   The election has been over nearly 2 weeks and this krap is still going on. Get back to the funny!

   Being know as a instigator, I'm gonna add "Being thankful we survived Obama' to the thanksgiving blessing just to get the fun going.

   *at starbucks.. ME: Can I take some wifi home with me?... BARISTA: Um,,, sure?.... ME: (holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid) ... Thanks.

   I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor.

   Hey, To all of you folks planning to move to Canada because Trump won the Presidency....If you're an alcoholic and cannot mulitply by 10 we do not want you.

   I'd like your post or photo but you did and now I think you're an idiot...

   *God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season

   Pence should consider himself lucky....worse has happened with presidents at theaters

   Hey, To all of you folks planning to move to Canada because Trump won the Presidency ..... I hope you're fluent in the metric system and rich enough to pay 2-3 times the price of booze here in the US.

   What the heck is Pizzagate? In any case it makes me hungry, I'll have mine with anchovies.

   The only real model we have for a trump presidency is the movie "first kid"

   I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than when my supermodel wife puts a scratch on one of my Lamborghinis.

   when hitler rose to power, there were no memes to stop him.

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   Mike Pence shouldn't get so upset that some Democr@ts booed him at the theater. After all don't forget that Democr@ts loudly booed G0D at the DNC convention on Sept 5th 2012.

   My Gf .. It's all waxed, polished and ready for tonight....now for the car

   2016: Trump elected 2018: Border wall completed 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics..

   Everyone done going turkey hunting in the frozen section ?