Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... OK ... Let me get this straight ... The best way to honor a poor dude who got shot by cops is smash store windows to get your new Flat Screens and new iPhone 7's .... Did I get this correct?

   Must be hard playing Wheel of Fortune in Canada when everybody is constantly saying "A"

   .... I remember way back when parents and schools made it a point to teach kids how to behave around cops ... and hardly anybody got shot by police ....... Boy were we weird.

   .... Don't do Crime .... Don't resist Arrest ..... Follow the Officers orders .... Won't get Shot!

   Trying to eat healthier. Anyone know how many beers I have to drink to get all my daily vitamins?

   My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

   I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.

   Don't listen to Billy Joel's piano man. It turns out that making love to your Tonic & Gin will get you thrown out of the bar.

   Who is this Feat. person and why does he appear on so many songs?

   It may be raining now but it will brighten up later on today. What time are you available?

   Before you give up in life, remember that the hair in your anus grows despite it's environment. So stay strong and never give up.

   With Hillary dropping in the polls, everyone needs to stop telling the truth about her as soon as possible if she is going to win

   So North Korea only has 28 websites. Well we just have Facebook. Wait you mean there are more?

   Remember, you can see something or you saw something. You can't seen something...

   Democrats want to raise the min wage for two reasons: 1) more votes, and 2) more tax dollars. They know it will only raise prices, making it worthless. They also know most min wage earners don’t know this…

   My wife, whose almost deaf wants a kid. She went to the doctor and he said she has a fissure in her uterus and if she had a baby it's be a miracle. She thought he said she had a fish in her uterus and if she had a baby it's be a mackerel.

   Angelina Jolie adopted a few lawyers and put Brad Pitt up for adoption.....

   For some reason, whenever I'm taking clothes out of the dryer, I have the urge to start singing "You gotta know when to Hold em', know when to Fold em'.....know when to walk away, know when to run....."

   Angelina Jolie has filed for a divorce from Brad Pitt. Does that mean they will go back to working as independent assassins?

   Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to divorce. They've already adopted a team of lawyers.