Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cigarette shortens life by 2 min,a beer shortens life by 4 minutes,a Monday at work shortens life by 8 hours

   ou do Waiters in the Restaurant always ask you as soon as you enter,"Would You Like a Table Sir?” … “No not at all, I came to the Restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”

   My personal trainer says that I need to start eating healthier. I guess this means I have to start adding lettuce & tomato to my burgers

   You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth

   If my "check Fuel" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it

   Being a Man is great until you hear a noise late at night and your wife makes you realize that you are the one who is supposed to go investigate

   My first childhood Lesson was that if you dream you're having a piss, you are most likely having a piss

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity

   Dear Facebook, how does it matter what Trump thinks about me? What matters is what he thinks about our beautiful land of America

   "When did we first meet?" if we had sex the first I could recall otherwise dont waste my time !

   The Constitution is Good

   WHAT IS THAT ? A TWISTED SISTER PIN, ON YOUR UNIFORM !

   I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the #bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.

   Not to be outdone by the new "Coca Cola Selfie Bottle", CHARMIN is announcing their new "We're on a Selfie Roll!" bathroom tissue product. Now you can turn those boring old bathroom selfies into "Action Selfies"!

   Obama is Evil!!!!

   Are you still making frozen jokes? Let it go

   The Only Sabbath that matters is Black !

   If you paid to watch the Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar WWE fight ... GET A REFUND !

   I've noticed that if you remove the vowels from the word "FEMALE" it spells FML.

   Indi@n people win spelling bees, Jeopardy championships, and collegiate scholarships. They know everything...except the existence of deodorants.