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Republicans Hate dead people ... They want to deny them their right to vote.
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10-02-2016 16:41
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You caught me at a bad time. Between birth and death.
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10-02-2016 16:36
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No f***ing way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
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10-02-2016 16:35
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If somebody doesn't text me back within 5 minutes I assume they don't love me or that they've died from loving me too much.
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10-02-2016 16:34
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Me asking someone out on a date is a lot like them wanting a Coke and I ask "Is Pepsi okay?"
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10-02-2016 16:33
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Next generation Monopoly pieces: -Croc. -Fedora. -Prius. -iPhone. -Starbucks cup. -A thimble because we've made very little progress in that area.
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10-02-2016 16:32
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Thanks 5 hour energy drink, but I have to work for 8 hours-not 5. I'll just stick with cocaine.
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10-02-2016 16:30
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Most murder victims are killed by someone they know. So stay safe by living a life of heartbreaking solitude, devoid of human contact.
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10-02-2016 16:29
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Trump's smart, he doesn't pay taxes. Sniff. Russia, China and 400 pound people may be out to get us. Sniff.
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10-02-2016 16:26
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I removed a "ha" from a "hahaha" in a text so I wouldn't send the wrong message about my enthusiasm.
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10-02-2016 16:24
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Just decided to let my hair grow out. Partially out of curiosity but mostly because cutting it isn't worth the risk of the barber making small talk.
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10-02-2016 16:23
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If a few years ago I'd have told a therapist I was having dreams that this election was happening I would've gotten some really good drugs.
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10-02-2016 16:22
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Assume that anyone who is undecided at this point is trying to choose between Hillary and suicide.
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10-02-2016 16:21
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One really positive thing about 2016 is that it has to end.
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10-02-2016 16:20
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Stop blaming Millennials. This election has clearly proven that people of all generations are awful.
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10-02-2016 16:19
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Watching documentaries on Netflix has actually taught me that there's no time to chill. Crazy stuff is going on out there.
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10-02-2016 16:18
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I miss the '70s. The music. The clothes. The fact that I wasn't born yet.
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10-02-2016 16:17
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A couple kisses and gropes in public and nobody bats an eye but let a mother breastfeed in public and all hell breaks loose. How did we get to this as a society?
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10-02-2016 06:29
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If there is a god out there, it is his duty and responsibility to prove his existence to me. It's not a fellow human being's job.
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10-02-2016 05:06
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Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn't for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
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10-02-2016 05:01
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