Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when my wife snooping around on my phone and accidently FB live recorded herself. when confronted she still claims it wasnt her... priceless

   You can either be right, or you can be the husband.

   I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

   To any of my single Lady friends, if your wish to have me naked for Christmas, private message me. Thanks.

   If you think Amy Schumer is either hot or funny, you're what's wrong with America....

   Seen one sneaker in the road agin this week.. How does this happen? Somewhere there is a jogger who get's home look's down at their feet and say's "Not again...I lost another one"

   I think I'll build me a snowman and dress him up as a security guard, leave him out front to guard that snow bank.

   Somehow I'm not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.

   if I Really tell Santa what I want for Christmas, Then I will definitely be on his naughty list ...

   All of these years in therapy have finally paid off folks... Turns out my therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...

   Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I've been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It's time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.

   It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time."

   "Oh wow, it's a fruitcake! I'm going to eat it right now" said no one ever.

   Mick Jagger a Father again? Really? Has he ever been a father before? I think s p e r m donor would be more appropriate

   No People ... Contrary to the Main Stream Media reports .... the President Elect ... DID NOT ... appoint Bill Cosby as the new Secretary for Women's Rights.

   Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.

   We live in a curious time in history where for the first time parents send their children off to College and they return to us as mental toddlers.

   FINALLY!!! ..... I'm not being harassed incessantly by my family and coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was really rough back in July tho.

   PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.