Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You met her at church but she still could be Satan.

   Add 'sexy' to anything and it instantly becomes a female Halloween costume.

   Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?

   Yes, the rumor is true. I did poop my pants while running home from the neighbor's house when I was 5.

   Quit telling everyone how much you love Fall, you psychopath.

   If you're walking around the house talking to yourself, it's okay if your dog is listening.

   No Nancy, I can't come to your essential oils party. I have to organize my liquor cabinet.

   My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

   I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."

   Listen, I could have gone my whole life without hearing the term "fecal transplant" and I wouldn't have regretted it.

   "Better out than in," I merrily say as I force my guests out the front door at 9 PM.

   My son always has a stuffed banana with him and I'm worried this is how hacky comics get their start. Should I introduce him to drugs now?

   What sounds better, "working through things" or "soul as black as the depths of the ocean"? I really need to get my Craigslist ad right.

   I'm pretty sure the devil and the angel on my shoulders are secretly f**king.

   'What's your wifi password?' is a visiting child's new 'can I have a cookie?'

   I went into the bathroom without my phone and now I know all the ingredients of cleaning solutions.

   If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.

   Still trying to figure out what base "furniture shopping" is.

   If I had a bowl of Tic Tacs and told you that Donald Trump used them so he was ready to kiss women without their permission would you vomit?

   Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?