Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bought all of my Christmas gifts really early this year, Hope everyone likes Halloween costumes

   All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money

   I don't understand why people buy Christmas trees just to throw them away a month later. Heck ... Do they think Christmas trees grow on trees?

   This Wiki Leaks is getting out of control -- They just leaked Santa's Christmas list.

   SCORE!!! .... I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough....Well ... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !

   ....... HA ... The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 12 more times before then.

   ...... .♫♪♫..... it's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas... ♫♪♫

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks real cool, hanging from my car's rear view mirror.

   I think it's time I go outside and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   R.I.P. Jason Seaver

   Christmas - The time of year when you can get the whole dysfunctional family together under one roof!

   Breaking news: Trump to appoint dingo to watch baby.

   Apparently they're called mini liquor bottles, not child sized

   Egg Nog is the perfect holiday drink for when you don't feel like breathing out of your mouth for a few hours.

   2 out of 10 people at Starbuck's today said, "Thank you," when they were handed their coffee like basic human decency is so fuckin' hard.

   You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?

   The Lexus commercials with the Christmas bow on the car never show the pissed off wife yelling "You're an idiot Tom! We can't afford this!"

   If you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll say no & tell you to find another way to finance your kitchen remodel.

   For everyone that talks bad about Walmart, they now carry throw pillows that look like slices of pizza if you wanna take it all back.

   New N.S.A. Watchlist: People who hurt my feelings on Twitter.