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So, one candidate wants to fix an economy that made him a billionaire while the other supports killing unborn babies but not convicted murderers...
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10-10-2016 10:02
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A coworker stopped by to inform me she had lost 30 pounds. As I watched her walk away I realize I had just found the 30 pounds.
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10-10-2016 10:00
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if you had one chance, one opportunity, to eat warm regurgitated food or fresh dog po0, what will you take? Hilarious or Dumph?
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10-10-2016 09:38
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Top 5 Fears: 1) Snakes. 2) Tornados. 3) Avalanches. 4) Spiders. 5) A baby not high fiving me back.
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10-10-2016 05:34
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Birth control pills should come in Pez dispensers that feature a tiny baby head crying on top.
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10-10-2016 05:31
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Donald Trump has no political experience. Meanwhile you need 5 years experience for an entry level management position at Chili's.
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10-10-2016 05:29
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The Lady and the Tramp spaghetti kiss scene except it's me, alone, eating a Hot Pocket over my sink.
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10-10-2016 05:28
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Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"
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10-10-2016 05:27
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it still called a mimosa if it's with vodka and there's no champagne and it's in a flask and you're in a dumpster?
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10-10-2016 05:26
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When someone tells me their baby's name is Chance I just assume it's because the condom broke.
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10-10-2016 05:24
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Maybe North Korea just needs a Snickers bar.
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10-10-2016 05:23
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If you're valet parking your PT Cruiser you should just hand over the keys and tell them to drive it off a cliff.
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10-10-2016 05:22
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Ariana Grande's body is 60 percent water and 40 percent ponytail.
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10-10-2016 05:21
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If anyone over tells you your dreams are silly, remember there's a millionaire walking around who invented the pool noodle.
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10-10-2016 05:20
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"Don't wear white after Labor Day" was the original first rule of Fight Club.
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10-10-2016 05:19
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How to Defeat Bears: 1) Play dead. 2) Stand up tall. 3) Have them use Jay Cutler as their quarterback.
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10-10-2016 05:18
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What's your favorite part of Fall? Leaves changing color? Crisp weather? Realizing we're all marching towards imminent death? Hot cocoa?
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10-10-2016 05:17
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People always ask why no one immediately moves out of a haunted house but it's like UGH moving suuuuuucks.
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10-10-2016 05:16
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So weird that National Vodka Day last week happens on the same day as Text Your Ex Day.
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10-10-2016 05:15
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Love corn mazes because they're a festive way to feel like you might never escape the hellish walls you're surrounded by.
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10-10-2016 05:13
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