Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1059 of 6446

All those against armpit tickling raised their hands..... *And what happened next is history.
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12-14-2016 16:36 by snotty
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Well,,, We are Definitely not getting our security deposit back for this planet.
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12-14-2016 16:02 by snotty
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Listen,, If you're mad about Trump being named Time's Person of the Year, wait until you hear who was elected president.
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12-14-2016 15:54 by snotty
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*at a fancy restaurant.. . Ummm,, yes, what color wines do you have
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12-14-2016 15:53 by snotty
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it is it Hanukkah, Chanukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, Chanuka, Chanukkah, Hanuka, Channukah, Chanukka, Hanukka, Hannuka, Hannukkah, Channuka, Xanuka, Hannukka, Channukkah, Channukka, Chanuqa, Khanuká, or חֲנֻכָּה?
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12-14-2016 14:14
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My therapist says I'm paranoid. Which is exactly what you might expect to hear from a shape-shifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts after they planted a microchip in my brain.
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12-14-2016 11:56
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Know what makes me mad? When I get a Cornucopia that has no corn or ucopia.

Listening to terrestrial radio nowadays is the equivalent to plugging into someone else's IPod.

TGI...Oh Crap, it's only Wednesday.
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12-14-2016 09:21
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Please God all I want to crave is lettuce, amen.
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12-14-2016 05:59
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Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
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12-14-2016 05:58
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For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.
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12-14-2016 05:57
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Swimming is basically having fun trying not to drown.
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12-14-2016 05:56
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I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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12-14-2016 05:56
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Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the children's ball pit at Macdonald's. Not funny, grow up.
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12-14-2016 05:53
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Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn't."
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12-14-2016 05:53
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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12-14-2016 05:53
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It always fascinates me when someone gets off a water ride angry because they got wet.
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12-14-2016 05:52
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Thank god I don't have to hunt to eat, because I have no bloody clue where pizza lives.
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12-14-2016 05:52
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With winter less than a week away, I've come to the vivid realization that, as human beings, we've been shortchanged by nature. How come we don't get to hibernate?