Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.

   America’s policy of shooting first and asking questions later has always been their downfall. I mean, just think how useful King Kong could have been on September the 11th.

   And all this time I thought Ariana Grande was a new coffee at Starbucks.

   What's the appropriate snack for watching the series finale of America? Heck, it did have a good 240 year run.

   Siri, how much would I weigh if I had one of those machines from Star Trek that made food appear out of thin air?

   Hello darkness my old friend, shall we spoon?

   Remember when Saturday morning TV was all great cartoons? Now it's just porn. That might just be my TV, tho.

   It's only Wednesday morning and I've already had to have the "You will not become the bird lady from Mary Poppins" talk in the mirror.

   Spends 2 hours rescuing a baby squirrel during a hurricane but is always too tired to make her own burritos.

   I want to reincarnated as a seagull that flies around theme parks, stealing churros that are absentmindedly being held by toddlers.

   The only reason I haven't taken a rifle up into a clock tower is the stairs.

   Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night.

   If loving the mole people and helping them enslave humanity is wrong I don't wanna be right.

   When I'm at a club and the DJ says "Raise the Roof!" I'm always like "no thanks!" I came here to dance not to do carpentry.

   Instead of using someone's name for hurricanes, we should use safe identifiers, like Hurricane Apteryx, Calculus, Oatmeal, or Centipede.

   You made me think of "Hotel California," prepare to die.

   Bouncing happily through life on a pogo stick made of delusion.

   In the 16th century guys named Gaylord were the toughest son's of b**ches around.

   Good luck listening to 80's music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

   I was a creepy clown before it was wrong and considered illegal.