Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite form of gratification is instant.

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Girls, Baseball and Tacos.

   My New Years Resolution for 2016 is to stop procrastinating.

   I had this stupid female waitress taking out order. My friend asked for a Caesar salad, she then asks: "What dressing?" My brain almost imploded.

   It's so cold now, when I turn on Netflix I call it "Netflix & get chilled"

   Turns out some things are better left unsaid .... Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

   my stock portfolio tanked again.....can I get a welfare check?

   Apparently when you lose an election ... It is important to let the entire nation know that it was the other guys fault .... Just like when we were kids.

   I overheard two people at work talking something about removing stubborn fat. Look, I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but that's no reason to call me that name and try to get me fired.

   "With great b( . )( . )bs comes great responsibility".

   There should be a calorie refund for things that didn't taste as good as you expected

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

   Thanks to a 60" HD TV, a DVR, and a "pause" button on my remote, it only took 3 hours for me to watch the 1 hour Victoria Secrets show.

   I'll see your passive aggressive status and I'll raise you...one finger.

   To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm out in public. Thanks.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to that is until she got that restraining order.

   When I'm bored I like going to down to the train station, making eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"

   Ryan Lochte is going to be a father, which proves that no matter how stupid you may be, it only takes one strong swimmer to get somebody pregnant.

   Life would be a million times better if there were pinatas strategically placed throughout the day.

   This is getting serious folks .... According to a report in Washington Post unnamed sources in the CIA are reporting that according to hacked e-mails, Vladimir Putin was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.