Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.

   I really hope these new sanctions on Russia doesn't affect Vidka prices

   I lost money and friends this year but I just want my money back

   Finally throwing away my Thanksgiving leftovers. I don't even remember making turkey yogurt...

   Some celebrities said they were leaving the country if Trump got elected president. I didn't realize they meant die, Kanye West, we're still waiting...

   If you got a big screen TV for Christmas be sure to put the empty box with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed and not yours.

   It is amazing how many people have bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   Houston, we have a problem. Never mind. It's nothing. You know what the problem is. Are you listening me me? Fine. -First woman on the Moon.

   Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

   Carrie Fisher had information to get Hillary arrested. But just in case Hillary's people got to her, she passed along the info to her mom.

   Actors like Carrie Fisher claimed Trump would never be their president. I hope the others follow her lead!

   2016 goes from bad to worse: Nickelback is still a band

   On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a weekend for me.

   My favorite yoga pose? Downward facing nap.

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Donald Trump too..

   ETC.....End of Thinking Capacity.

   With all the deaths in 2016, there is one worth celebrating. Obama's failed legacy.

   I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.

   I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

   One of my biggest fears is I'll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays