Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,

   The Movie/Book "50 Shades of Grey" was only romantic because the dude was a freakin Billionaire. Heck .... If he lived in a Trailer ... The story would have actually been an episode of "Criminal Minds"

   why is there a trump filter and not an oblablah filter

   "Well, Bill, now I see how you came up with the word 'Microsoft'." -Melinda Gates, on their wedding night.

   Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

   I AM SO READY TO KISS 2016 GOODBYE!

   Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler....So straighten up and fly right

   So I read that Uber is going to start using self-driving cars to drive people around... Which is a great idea.. But I'm just thinking, if a car drives up to my house to take me somewhere with nobody in it.. I'm pretty sure I just got myself a new car...

   Do you work on computers , cause your D**k is Micro and soft .

   I must be emotionally impotent, I haven't given a f**k in months

   NOTICE: To the people who have flashing blue and red Christmas lights in their yard.....can you remove them, please? Every time I pass by, I think it is the cops and I have to remove my foot from the gas, slam on the brakes, put my seatbelt on, throw my p

   When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.

   I think this Christmas Eve it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a Merry Christmas ....... poor guy.

   Dear Santa: This year all I want for Christmas is thick hair and a thin body ... And please don't get it backwards like you did last year!!!

   Yup.... No matter how old you are .... an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube will always become a Star Wars light saber.

   The Media is now reporting that Christmas is actually a Russian plot hatched by Putin & Trump to lure people into a false sense of Joy. They are urging that we reject any feelings of joy and focus on being angry at the 2016 Election results.

   If you want to know if Santa has you on his “nice” list,, or his “naughty” list,, Just ask Russia,,, and they'll just hack it for you.

   I realized how pathetic I am,,, When the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignored my knock knock joke...

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Guns, Bacon and T|t$.

   Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....