Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've had only had one glass of wine. . . Glass, bottle. . . whatever. . . A bottle is glass, right ??

   When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.

   In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.

   Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Bööber.

   OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?

   I'm not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.

   When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life.

   Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.

   Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.

   Whatta ya want for breakfast? Burnt toast and a rotten egg. Burnt toast and a rotten egg? Whatta ya want that for? I got a tapeworm and that's good enough for him!

   We had joy we had fun, specially in your mother's cun....

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around calked Unused Sick Days. Apparently it's very contagious.

   I just found out that my wife is actually Mrs. Santa Claus!! At least that's what my kids tell me.

   I think 2016 will be known Historically as "The Year That Everyone Was Offended by Absolutely Everything." .... Well .... Hopefully we can look forward to 2017 as being known as "The Year That Everyone Grows Up!"

   Put it this way, if they take aways "fake news"... you'll never get to see Cowboys fans bragging about how great they are.

   People act like they've never seen winter before. It happens every f'n year, ya know?

   The ox and lamb kept time?? I'm calling BS on that one...

   i have been upgraded to Santas naughty list Platinum member

   Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-Eleven last night. Hope I don't catch Slurpees.

   I'd like to go to Holland someday wooden shoe?