Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Merry hammered people! I'm Christmas!

   I got lost in your eyes...but I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it

   If everyone that receives a fruitcake for Christmas donates them to the government, Trump can build the brick wall!

   Fun Christmas prank: give your mom a new iPhone then refuse to help her set it up

   I was going to wish merry christmas to all of the women that accused Trump of groping but I cant find them.

   I don't dwell on past mistakes. I have family for that.

   Evidently Cheering and doing play by play while my wife is wrapping presents wasn't the help she was looking for.

   Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.

   Hello, ABC? It's less than 40 hours until New Year's Eve...time to fill the sink with water and defrost Dick Clark.

   It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .

   Girls just wanna have fun, guys just wanna have funds!

   People who say I'm hard to buy for obviously don't drink or smoke weed

   Remember ladys, being good may get you a few nice presents but being naughty will get you diamonds.

   What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

   A very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

   Going viral? That's a GOOD thing now? Where was this internet thing when I was going viral in 80s

   SIERRA, ECHO ,NOVEMBER,DELTA NOVEMBER UNIFORM DELTA ECHO SIERRA .

   Here's a list of my favourite xmas carols.

   Something going viral just means more idiots have seen and liked it.

   Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville did not!