Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.

   “It’s the little things in life that make you laugh,” my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets at Walmart.

   Tip for next month: Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward

   The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.

   The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.

   A total of 11 lawmakers in the new Congress are freshmen. Their parents helped them move in over the weekend.

   I seem pretty put together for a grown man who imagines he's traveling through a wormhole each time he pulls a turtleneck over his head.

   I've never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn't swish it around.

   Q: why are your eyes covered in ketchup? A: because Heinz sight is 20/20.

   ♫ All in all, it’s just a… nother post on my wall. ♫

   Loofah sponge instructions: 1. Wet before use 2. Use once 3. Hang to dry as shower decoration for the rest of your life.

   Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.

   My new favorite Trump name=Twitler

   "I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"

   The truth about 9/11: it equals 0.81818182

   Once you go black, that frost bitten toe's gotta come off

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE BUTTERCUP.

   Always borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. ~ Steven Wright

   let the President Elect do his thing...The American people will rise up and tell him what they want!

   I need to lose weight. When I sweat, I'm like a side of pork basting in its own juices.