Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nice try, Tom Selleck, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived at Robin Masters Mansion for like eight years

   The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.

   The reason Dolphins fans hate Patriots fans is because the Pats are superior in every way imaginable. Including year after year.

   My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make me breakfast.

   I haven’t seen the Democrats so angry since the Republicans took away their slaves

   IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn't find the exit

   Be Yourself. Unless you are a jerk; in which case pretend to be someone else.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   Where can I go to find FBI Director Comey? Tune in this week to find out from media News!

   Obama should resign a day early to make Biden the 45th president just to ruin all of Trump's merchandise.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on

   Someone I know just had a great great grandchild. That kid comes from a long line of fucl<ers.

   I'm so old that I remember when Entertainers actually performed at a Presidential Inauguration without receiving death threats!

   Well .... My wife said she wanted a cat and I didn't, so we compromised and got a cat.

   Purina hung up on me. I suggested mouse flavored cat food.

   Back in my day, #Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   Who needs Ringling Bros. when we have the White House.

   It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up

   The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.

   Life is give and take; I give and you take, probably.