Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1053 of 6384
Sure it's nice to let your kids be independent, but sometimes it's also nice to not have ketchup all over your kitchen.
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10-15-2016 21:32
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No one told me how much of parenting would be spent standing in my kitchen holding a trombone while naked children run past.
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10-15-2016 21:31
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Always pass on the tea and crumpets; I'm more of an arsenic and absinthe kind of girl.
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10-15-2016 21:29
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Never leave the house without chili ingredients & tap shoes. I'm always ready for impromptu dance-offs or cook-offs.
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10-15-2016 21:29
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This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
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10-15-2016 21:28
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If you’re prepared to spend 1/3 of your day wiping goo that could’ve been secreted by a Xenomorph or a child, parenting is for you.
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10-15-2016 21:27
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Omg! I just hit a woman on my bike. Just kidding.. I don't ride in the kitchen!
Im so broke I have black boy in Africa sponsoring me.
I want to go see "The Girl On The Train" and my wife wants to see "Sully" So we compromised and are going to see "Sully"
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10-15-2016 14:37
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For all of you conspiracy theorists out there, We finally have Absolute Proof Osama Bin Laden is dead. Yesterday he registered to vote Democrat!!!
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10-15-2016 10:37
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Apparently calling your wife, who thinks you're at work, while you're standing outside the living room window and asking "have you seen any clowns outside" isn't very funny.
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10-15-2016 10:07
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When I was young, I grabbed them by their pony tail......
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10-15-2016 07:04
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My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..
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10-15-2016 05:50
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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
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10-15-2016 05:49
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You know you're getting old when every time you are near a bathroom you think, "I might as well pee while I'm here"
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10-15-2016 05:49
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When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
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10-15-2016 05:48
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I just finished reading “50 shades of Grey” by Sherwin Williams. I don’t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
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10-15-2016 05:48
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Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
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10-15-2016 05:47
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My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...
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10-15-2016 05:46
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Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam..
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10-15-2016 05:46
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