Funny Status Messages

   My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   I wake up feeling like a golden statue....everyone else is the pigeons

   It's always cute when people say "looks don't matter".

   Having not ever watched Mega Kelly on FOX, I'm pleased to announce that I will now not be watching her on NBC.

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on.

   What are nudes? Someone show me.

   If the Russians could actually hack elections ... Do you really think Putin would have tollerated 8 years of Obama?

   What do you call a Missing Mexican ? ; Hevas Erbefor

   I need something like an epi pen, but filled with caffeine.

   Dear Mariah: It's not as easy as it looks. -Milli Vanilli

   I wish I loved anything as much as yankees love fireworks. #nojobbutcanaffordfireworks

   As far as Mariah Carey's lip-synch debacle on New Year's Eve goes, I wasn't paying close enough attention. I was organizing an "over-under" pool as to how many walnuts she could crush with those thighs at one time.

   Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only.

   How come Sanctuary cities have the fastest growing crime rates?

   How come Sanctuary cities are only effective for one type of criminal?

   I really find it laughable when the very same people who say they really appreciate your honesty .... Suddenly hate you when you are actually honest with them .....

   I can't wait to hear Donald trump say: Obama, you're fired !

   If I win the lottery I'm going to travel the world asking the citizens if they've ever heard of snow. When someone says WTF IS SNOW I'm home

   Everyone thinks I dodged a bullet, but I think I shot the gun .

   Wanting the President to fail is like wanting the pilot to crash the plane we all just got on.