Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Why is it called a bull riding “accident” when the bull ends up hurting the rider? If someone strapped a rope around my nuts, wanted a piggy back ride, then proceeded to spur my ass, my wanting to f*ck them up would be no accident.

   i can honestly say I have never hated anyone, because that would imply I actually gave a shlt in the first place.

   It's that time to year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last summer.

   I'm the Jason Bourne of finding an escape route out of the bar once the lights come on and reveal the creature I've been talking to.

   So you're here reading my status wasting valuable work time or just procrastinating. Don't feel so bad, I procrastinated and then wasted valuable work time writing it.

   The good thing about not drinking is that I remember everything, and the bad thing about not drinking is that I remember everything.

   If you get a booty call at 3AM.…. You probably weren't first on the list.

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on.

   Three fun thing to do at Walmart: 1. Paint Hitler mustaches on all the smiley faces. 2. Have the manager page Mr. Harry Bawls. 3. Dress in hopes of being photographed for "People of Walmart."

   "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you've consumed.

   What's with all these Facebook quizzes? Does it look like I give a shlt about what type of chocolate I am?

   So, I'm at the crossroads & Bone Thugs N Harmony is clearly not here... What a waste of time, and gas.

   Im opening up an all female casino... Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.

   If Dr. Seuss were alive today he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it Crocs with Socks... and then kill himself.

   The first thing on my to-do list is burning my to-do list.

   I'm so gangsta, I don't even report to Microsoft when Firefox unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches B*tches!

   Ladies, there's a BIG difference between make-up and looking like you've been attacked by Crayola.

   If you hit your girlfriend's best friend with a car, apparently, "I banged your best friend" is the wrong way to inform her.

   Had to have "the sex talk" with my 10 yr old. He was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers and donkey punches.

   You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...