Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

   For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked

   The most used electrical appliance in the wife’s kitchen is the smoke alarm.

   Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘Yes. What kind of font is this?’

   I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   My grandfather is voting for Hillary.I'd try to talk him out of it but he's been dead for a long time now....

   So let me get this straight, the same people who are responsible for 9/11 are also responsible for 20% of Killary's campaign contributions. Anyone see an issue with this?

   There's like nothing stopping any of us from booking a room at a Trump hotel and canceling 24 hours in advance.

   If Hillary becomes president she will be the first F President. Oh, sorry. I was going to say female, but the "emale" got deleted.

   Kids nextdoor challenged me to a water balloon fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for mine to come out of the freezer..

   Wikileaks just released El Chapo's Email too

   Wikileaks should be ashamed of itself for illegally releasing Hillary's illegal activities.

   Hillary bumped into Trump on the way to the White House and she said "Pardon me"...He Replied, "You want another Pardon?"

   Trump should really try harder to get his message out to the younger generations, especially since one of them will eventually be his fourth wife...

   b votin fo hillary dog. o we gon lose woopie yall

   That moment when you accidently pour too much alcohol into your drink and you have to tough it out because Mama didn't raise a quitter....

   My dream car would be a food truck.

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance

   Password security questions allow me to relive all of my childhood traumas. "Who stood you up for Senior Prom and how did your first dog die?"