Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so happy these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water. That’s roughly how many times I need to flush.

   HA .... The US Attorney General Lynch aka "America's Chief Law Enforcement Officer" ..... Is Pleading the Fifth to avoid disclosing information that may incriminate her ..... Just think about that one for a moment!!!

   Walmart Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?... Me: Well, I couldn't find-..... Cashier: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don't actually care.

   Number of Federal Investigations of corruption, collusion, and Illegal use of Confidential Government Information against Trump - 0 ...... Number of FBI investigations against Hillary for the same - 1 .... Seems like an easy choice to me...

   Happy Halloweiner Hillary and Huma

   Got invited to 4 different Halloween parties how am I going to go to all of them you ask?? Easy.... I'm going as Hillary Clinton's emails...that way you won't find me

   To ALL Hillary supporters: You 3 should be ashamed of yourselves

   9 more days till the beginning of the end.

   Number of times Trump has been under Federal investigation: 169, Hillary - 1. Seems like an easy choice to me...

   Spinal Tap: When you're lying in bed facing away from your partner and you feel two taps on your back; the universal signal for, "wanna?"

   I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of wine stained blank pages.

   Got a box from amazon with a Hitachi, three kittens, a bottle of whiskey, some xanax, and apartment keys. The card said, "Happy Divorce"

   At some point you just have to ask yourself if you would hire someone under investigation by the FBI?

   The State Department says Comey was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Can we say we told you so?!

   Just in: Clinton is now LEADING in polls in important battleground states, such as Qatar, Iraq, Iran, and Syria And hopefully soon... San Quentin.

   Have you ever heard of the Legend of Hillary Rodham Hood? ..... She steals from everybody and keeps for herself.

   It's truly astonishing that a little guy hiding in an Ecuadorean Embassy is doing a heck of a lot more for TRUTH in this Election .... Than the Entire American Press!!!

   This Just In: James Comey, died in a car accident tomorrow .....

   Hey, look on the bright side America, she might not only be the first woman ever elected prez, she could very well also be the first US prez who is forced be a stay at home wife with an ankle bracelet on. #FeministMilestones

   I don't know if Anthony Weiner's weiner is that big but it's sure casts a very long shadow....