Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn't find the exit

   Be Yourself. Unless you are a jerk; in which case pretend to be someone else.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   Where can I go to find FBI Director Comey? Tune in this week to find out from media News!

   Obama should resign a day early to make Biden the 45th president just to ruin all of Trump's merchandise.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on

   Someone I know just had a great great grandchild. That kid comes from a long line of fucl<ers.

   I'm so old that I remember when Entertainers actually performed at a Presidential Inauguration without receiving death threats!

   Well .... My wife said she wanted a cat and I didn't, so we compromised and got a cat.

   Purina hung up on me. I suggested mouse flavored cat food.

   Back in my day, #Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   Who needs Ringling Bros. when we have the White House.

   It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up

   The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.

   Life is give and take; I give and you take, probably.

   I think I'm going to buy one of those new 3D printers. Then I'll use it to print another 3D printer and then return the original printer to get my money back.

   If you ever get stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad.

   I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   It's not likely that any of you have ever heard of the Fugawi Indian Tribe. It was a lost tribe that spent their days wandering the plains, endlessly chanting, "Where the Fugawi?"

   Since giving up carbs, I've been feeling..Oh, what's that word?? Homicidal...