Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

   “Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.

   If cats could text you back they wouldn't.

   I had a peanut butter sandwich on white bread with no jelly and nothing to drink. Long story short: I'm at the ER getting treated for Lockjaw.

   My girlfriend thinks I am incapable of being Faithful... My wife on the other hand, has a sister I wouldn't mind, if ya know what I mean

   I like my women like I like my peanut butter... chunky.

   I'm endorsing Kermit the Frog for the Green Party candidate. It's about time we had a puppet regime.

   Did some cleaning early this morning...went out and ran the vacuum over the driveway just to ensure my neighbors never talk to me....

   First it was AlDS that affected mostly fagz, now Monkeypox is doing the same at 96%. Hello? Degenerates? Got the memo?

   The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

   Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

   The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

   They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

   Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.

   All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

   A woman is like a tea bag; you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

   If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

   At 51, I've realized that if I don't get enough sleep, I'm an asshole during the day. If I get too much sleep, I'm still an asshole, but happy!