Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'Wait, let me overthink that.' Women

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.

   Everyone want to see a politician's tax returns. I'd rather see their IQ tests.

   Dear Activision, how about you come out with Call of Duty - Black Ops STOP! Sincerely, Everyone.

   'All you need is love.' and an IQ low enough to believe that....

   You know you're lowering expectations when you no longer care about raising a Pres. but someone who can flush a toilet.

   It took me 2 and a half years of feeding my cat to realize I don't own a cat..

   Why do so many people go out of their way to move to our country ..... then complain that they find our way of life offensive.

   The lesbians next door gave my a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."

   I just save $329.99 from not buying 30 vials of Restasis for dry eyes by having someone come by my house three times a day and poke me in the eyes...

   Desert is different from Dessert. You can have as many desserts as you want, but you can only stand in one desert at a time, the english laungauge will get you every time. . .

   I started my new Kris Kristofferson diet this morning. A beer for breakfast and another one for desert .

   I tried killing a spider with a can of cheap hairspray. Now it smokes two packs a day, joined a bowling league, wears blue eye shadow and calls itself Brenda.

   Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.

   Hillary lost, get over yourselves....

   If it wasn't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

   There should be a sign at every red light that reads "Selfie Center and Facebook check in area" .... you know, just to make it official.

   How the heck did America go from "E Pluribus Unum" to .... "E Unibus Plurum?"

   I went to a karaoke bar last night that only played music from the 1970’s. I didn’t want to sing but they handed me the mic. At first I was afraid. I was petrified. And I spent the night thinking how my friends did me wrong but I grew strong and I lea

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.