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If the warehouse store is surrounded by barbed wire the prices are usually excellent.
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11-04-2016 05:21
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Before you ask me for life advice, you should know that I make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's "Jump".
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11-04-2016 05:19
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70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
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11-04-2016 05:19
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Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
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11-04-2016 05:17
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Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket.
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11-04-2016 05:17
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Finally tossed the old rotary phone. So now I won’t have anything to use for a mafia beat down in 1973.
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11-04-2016 05:16
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ER nurses lose their patience with "I thought it would be funny" after they've heard it four times from one person.
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11-04-2016 05:15
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My stomach hurts. Maybe this giant bag of Skittles will help...
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11-04-2016 05:14
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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11-04-2016 05:13
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You're not a serious fashionista until you break a toe in new sexy high heels for the sake of your craft.
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11-04-2016 05:12
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Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
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11-04-2016 05:11
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I have friends I would take a bullet for and friends I'm reserving a bullet for.
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11-04-2016 05:11
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The only thing in the world you can do with a nick-nack paddy-whack is give a dog a bone.
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11-04-2016 05:10
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You haven't lived until you've had to force yourself to throw up 7 times so as to dislodge a fish bone you accidentally swallowed at dinner.
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11-04-2016 05:09
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make america a vast wilderness again
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11-04-2016 02:04
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I like staring into the night sky. There's less people out there.
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11-04-2016 01:47
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Are you sure that's all the cats you have?
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11-04-2016 01:44
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Pharrell Williams Begs Women to Vote Hillary: "She’s Dishonest, But So Are You"...Now we know why they chose him to be the front man for "Daft Punk"
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11-03-2016 23:12 by
JiffyPop
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It's curious how a dog's erection can look so much like a tube of cherry chapstick yet do almost nothing for chapped lips.
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11-03-2016 20:34
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And They Want $15 An Hour: "Welcome to McDonald's." "Can I get a half dozen chicken nuggets please?" "We only serve 6, 10 or 20 piece." "So you don't sell half a dozen chicken nuggets?" "No sir." "Okay, I'll take the 6 piece."
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11-03-2016 17:23 by
Fazzella
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