Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were an actual snowflake, ie the feathery ice crystal with a sixfold symmetry, I'd be highly insulted.

   Mexico is paying for the wall in the form of tarriffs on goods imported from there.

   What do you get a girl who has everything ? Penicillin

   if I had a nickel for everytime someone told me I'm bad at math,id have 47 cents

   The drummer for the Allman Brothers band has passed away. That means only three more drummers, four more guitar players, and a doped up keyboard player to go.

   If your phone is autocorrecting kindergarten to Kardashian, the world is not wrong, it's your search habits.

   I'm in a book store and a liberal clerk helped me. I asked for the new Trump book on his immigration policy. She said, "F-you! Get out and stay out! I go, "Yes, that's it, do you have it in paperback?"

   My new phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian. That my dear people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   I don't get why all these people are saying "Not My Precedent!" Do they share a shameful past?

   So...if all Cinderalla's clothes turned back to rags at midnight, how did that one slipper stay glass? Maybe she should have ripped off all her clothes instead.

   Why do motorcyclists point at the road when they pass each other? Is it a reminder?

   there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?

   If you're a welder than knows how to lay pipe, you're about to get RICH , !!!!!!

   Patriots are going to the Superbowl....The NFL is going to assign someone to check Tom Brady's balls throughout the game....don't want that on my resume

   n't the bigger question: How many people attended the Hillary Inauguration?

   Agree or disagree with the Trump protesters....he got more people walking in 1 day than Michelle Obama did in 8 years

   Alternative facts. What most good and honorable americans call lies. May God have mercy on our souls.

   No matter who's president , Elvis is still the king

   I caught my third girlfriend cheating on me. I only have two left now, makes me sick.

   BREAKING: White House informs the public of excess bread in America resulting from a lack of sandwiches being made this weekend.