Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm rubber you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Ma'am, that's not how speeding tickets work.

   I come from a long line of men who will happily answer to a name that is not their own, which may or may not sound vaguely similar to it.

   It's like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"

   Not very happy with my new microphone but I'll hang on to it in case I ever want to make a video that sounds like I'm at the bottom of a well shouting into an empty beer can.

   Even Heaven has a Wall .... a Gate ..... and Extreme Vetting to get in .....

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.🎩

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel is in therapy for PTSD.

   How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven't paid for a ticket from entering the game!" #NotMySuperBowl

   Super Bowl: it's like WrestleMania, but boring.

   No one is above the law, especially the president.

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy @$$."

   I'm gonna build a fence, how do I get my neighbors to pay for it? Asking for a friend

   If Pictionary is where you draw pictures then what’s Dictionary.

   YouTube: Domestically educating the public since 2005

   Beyonce's twins will never have to work a day in their life. She should name one of them Lay-Z.

   If you think about it, to come clean is not an option. . .

   I don't think allowing the mentally I'll people to obtain guns is making America great. Now I don't feel safe anymore.

   If your afraid to leave your teenage daughter home with your boyfriend then you may want to rethink ur relationship..

   NEVER EXPECT A WOMAN TO PLAY HER PART, IF YOU STILL HAVE OTHER WOMEN AUDITIONING FOR HER ROLE'

   NEWS FLASH If you bomb your home and kill all the roaches that live there .... in the roach world you are considered a terrorist.