Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they worship satan.

   Anybody out there need some extra daylight? I've been saving a bunch of it since last Spring and I have way more than I need. I'm letting it go pretty cheap, so let me know if you're interested.

   I did a little studying on Einstein's theory of relativity. I discovered that I am not related to him. . .

   I would rather sit in front of Pee Wee Herman at a movie theater while out on a date with OJ Simpson after having drinks at Bill Cosby's bar where they use Flint, MI ice cubes after taking an elevator ride with Ray Rice all while Casey Anthony babysits.

   Anyone find an hour can you please return it thanks. . .

   For those who are constantly pondering whether the Glass is half empty ... or half full, miss the point!!! The Glass is Refillable!

   "The Russians ate my homework" - High school Hillary

   The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they're trafficking children.

   Who has clocks they have to change anymore?

   I just changed my voicemail greeting to “Seriously?”

   FACT: the 2016 election didn't make anyone any uglier than they were already, it just made their pre-existing ugliness easier to see

   Will no longer appear as "Husband on Sailboat" in a Viagra commercial due to a contract dispute. I'd appreciate privacy during this time.

   My son kept picking Tootsie Rolls instead of Snickers this Halloween like some sort of candy moron.

   It's not acceptable to call 911 when someone eats the last slice of pizza. I know that now.

   No one cares about the pictures of your Cards Against Humanity round.

   Goatees are just fanny-packs for faces.

   Feeling pretty good about myself -- just used the self-checkout line and only needed to call the attendant twice.

   The last time the Cubs won a World Series, the Republican Party favored voting rights for African-Americans.

   Hit the hay. Kick some corn. Slap a tomato. Establish dominance. You own this whole farm now.

   Don't just steal your kids' Halloween candy. Eat it in front of them. Clean up after them. Support them until age 26. Show them who's boss.