Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   True story: I met an Asian baby named Gary this morning, if any of you needed a pick-me-up.

   The last thing someone who can't decide what to make for dinner needs is 101 different crock pot choices.

   You'd be surprised how much stolen Halloween candy you can fit in your mouth when you hear your kid coming.

   It's about time men started winning Woman of the Year awards. This inequality has gone on long enough.

   Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety.

   Gosh I'm so glad Bono was named woman of the year. White men are hardly ever given favor over their completely qualified female competitors.

   No one believes your brand new Cubs hat.

   It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

   Let's get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour you can make a boxed dinner while I figure out common core math homework.

   The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.

   Irony is these two idiots at Starbucks complaining about the price of gas.

   Would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

   Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink.

   Made it to that level of drunk where you knock over a display in a convenience store.

   Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

   Oh yes - please give me more unprompted stories about your kids. I'll just keep imagining injecting my brain with an overdose of Novacaine.

   Instead of saying "for all intents & purposes" you should say "for all incense & porpoises" just for the fun of it.

   Sure, "my day" will eventually come. And I fully anticipate it will be heralded by an unexpected explosion of the Sun.

   They're boarding the Diamond, Platinum, Gold level passengers now. Next is Silver, Copper, Recycled Aluminum and then me: Old Paper Scraps.

   No matter who wins, the US still loses. Neither of them are fit to be president.