Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pretty sure my girlfriend got her superpowers from being bit by a radioactive female dog.

   Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

   Why does this day just keep repeating itself?

   Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

   If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren't there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?

   I reenacted the romantic scene from "Lady and the Tramp", but it wasn't what I expected; my dog ate all the spaghetti.

   Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets

   Beyonce has more African American people in her belly than Trump has in his cabinet.

   I'd be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.

   When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken..

   One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.

   Donald Trump's hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.

   I'm a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don't care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.

   I'm not the type of guy to " keep the little woman in the kitchen" Not when there is yard work to do and a car to wash !

   Subpoena...Such a silly word. Sounds like a term used to describe a man who is below average downstairs.

   The opossum, skunk, squirrel and groundhog saw their shadows today, but didn't see the .🚚 that smashed them on the highway

   Beer, because no good story ever started with a salad .

   How was the peaceful protest at Berkeley last night? Did they quitely sing kumbaya?