Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the moon hits your eye Like a bigger pizza pie,,,, That's a....Supermoon.

   Supermoon was OK... But according to Rotten Tomatoes, still way better than Supermoon v Batmoon.

   A wife is like a box of chocolates, you never know which of her multiple moods you're going to get, you just better act like you love it.

   I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.

   Hey, he just called you Indian. Oh hell'no. Hold my Fry Bread

   KARMARIFIC : My new word For when karma gets someone so sweetly ..It's Karmarific !

   May your clothes be comfy. your coffee strong and your Monday short.

   I am in competition with no one. I run my own race. I have no desire to play the game of being better than anyone, in any way, shape, or form. I just aim to improve, to be better than I was before. That’s me and I’m free.

   A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.

   How I love #Monday. On a different subject. Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

   Ran into a #PETA nut while walking my dog. He said my dog was my slave. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying the poop in a bag?

   Who did you vote for?☐ Clinton ☐ Trump ☑ Vodka

   #Life tip: if someone comes out of a #bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.

   Old school slogan "Question Authority!" is replaced by today's "Question the News Media!" slogan

   FUN FACT: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)

   Hillary and Trump are in a boat and it sinks. Who survives? I'd say Hillary. According to Bill, she never goes down.

   So, Trump tells us to stop harrassing minorities, yesterday, on 60 Minutes. His wish is my command.

   I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.

   "Please stop being mean" - Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle

   How much of your pants are you allowed to fold up before you're mistaken for a fisherman?