Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So the state trooper said "I've been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn't you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."

   If you're single, happy go f#ck yourself today. . .

   Dateline's Keith Morrison can now be your GPS voice, which is awesome unless you put in a middle school in your GPS device...then instantly become a part of to Catch a Preditor.

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day. You'll be takiing matters in your own hands. Don't forget to clean up. . .. . .

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day #NotMyValentinesDay

   I got a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order but still....

   Happy VD to all you young lovers out there,,,!!!💜

   irony...Valentine's Day is abbreviated as "VD"

   pro tip....today invest in buying Energizer & Duracell stocks

   Valentine's Day was started accidentally when an irresponsible man gave a bow and arrow to a cherub-faced Baby and he shot the man's lover in the heart ... true story.

   Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...

   I've decided on my Valentine's Day date...Its going to be whoever sits down next to me at Fricker's. Fingers crossed that its a girl this year!

   Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine's day. Just an FYI.

   The Real valentine Holiday is 15Feb...when chocolate is 70% off!

   No thanks on the street corner baskets for Valentines Day. Just put those $10 on a chipotle card.

   Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....

   Wow! Did everyone notice C3PO at the Grammys??? He sure has let himself go...

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.