Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Valentine's Day was started accidentally when an irresponsible man gave a bow and arrow to a cherub-faced Baby and he shot the man's lover in the heart ... true story.

   Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...

   I've decided on my Valentine's Day date...Its going to be whoever sits down next to me at Fricker's. Fingers crossed that its a girl this year!

   Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine's day. Just an FYI.

   The Real valentine Holiday is 15Feb...when chocolate is 70% off!

   No thanks on the street corner baskets for Valentines Day. Just put those $10 on a chipotle card.

   Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....

   Wow! Did everyone notice C3PO at the Grammys??? He sure has let himself go...

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken.

   There is a fat black lady who looks like Beyoncé on TV

   Heck .... Joy Villa should at least receive a Best Dressed award at the Grammy's!!!

   driving to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

   It's called the "Grammy Awards" not the "Useful Idiot Awards" ... So shut up and Sing!

   "Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.

   i saved a bunch of money on valentines day by switching to unwanted.

   The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

   I'm recording an album called "My Sinuses Unplugged."