Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We have reached a disturbing stage as a society. A stage where if you do something stupid, disturbing, sick, nasty, disgusting or perverted, you are guaranteed to have some people who are going to cosign and support it.

   Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.

   Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.

   don't forget tonight we time travel without a T.A.R.D.I.S

   Women will get equal pay once they are willing to pick up the check at dinner.

   i dropped my affordable health care because I couldn't afford it .

   I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.

   Folks should be made aware of the difference between want and need. Example: I want a hot body, but I need pizza.

   Remember this my friends: With great power comes a great electric bill.

   I'm going to see to it that Tallmtnman dies from my hands. We don't need raci.sts like him.

   I'm going to the store. I'm at the doctor. My daughter is at the prom. I'm at a restaurant. My dog got a sticker in his paw. (That comprises 90% of all social media posts.)

   When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.

   Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.

   I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."

   Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting.

   Thanks to Twitter, everybody with a computer and something to complain about thinks they're a modern day Che Guevara.

   Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.

   I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

   when I go to the store looking for paper towel, I feel like a BOUNTY hunter

   You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.