Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.

   if you're feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die

   ..... Hmmmm .... Beginning to wonder why I was hit on by so many gay dudes today. Maybe it's time to rethink my Valentine's wardrobe.

   Damn ... guess yet again I bought all of those Jumbo sized condoms for nothing!! Oh well ... Looks like i'm having another big post Valentines day Water Balloon drop off my balcony tomorrow.

   Shout out to all the hotel maids working tomorrow. They're the real heroes!

   What's more important. The prick of the roses or the prick giving them. . .

   "You know I'm a dude right?" Are not the words you want whisped in your ear today!

   Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️

   Roses are red... Violets are Blue .... Vodka costs less than dinner for two

   Most girls will spend Valentine's day alone because their boyfriends will be with their wives

   KellyAnne Conway looks tired and flustered every day!

   So the state trooper said "I've been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn't you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."

   If you're single, happy go f#ck yourself today. . .

   Dateline's Keith Morrison can now be your GPS voice, which is awesome unless you put in a middle school in your GPS device...then instantly become a part of to Catch a Preditor.

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day. You'll be takiing matters in your own hands. Don't forget to clean up. . .. . .

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day #NotMyValentinesDay

   I got a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order but still....

   Happy VD to all you young lovers out there,,,!!!💜

   irony...Valentine's Day is abbreviated as "VD"

   pro tip....today invest in buying Energizer & Duracell stocks