Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon There's a thin line between Nirmal and Crazy people , and that line is usually cocaine
←Rate | 02-22-2017 00:36 by Cam Mac Comments (2)  


   messageicon Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
←Rate | 02-21-2017 21:09 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon My neighbor asked me to watch her cats while she was out of town. I replaced all the cat litter with Pop Rocks. Now we wait.
←Rate | 02-21-2017 12:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm pretty sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
←Rate | 02-21-2017 12:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know I am a guy but stopping offended when I try to breast-feed in public. Besides, it helps my dog and I bond better
←Rate | 02-21-2017 12:31 by Me E Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's a fine line between crazy & free spiirited and it's usually a prescription.
←Rate | 02-21-2017 06:54 Comments (1)  


   messageicon You know we're on the right track when the American nation trust Russia .... More than they trust the Democrat Party.
←Rate | 02-21-2017 06:44 Comments (1)  


   messageicon My girlfriend said she wants our relationship to be like a fairy-tale. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.
←Rate | 02-20-2017 20:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If psychics and palm readers knew anything they'd have hand washing stations.
←Rate | 02-20-2017 13:01 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry Boss, I can't work I've got too much on my plate right now. You'll have to ask someone else. *Googles 'do koalas go to heaven'*
←Rate | 02-20-2017 09:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon NO I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.
←Rate | 02-20-2017 09:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”
←Rate | 02-20-2017 09:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium.
←Rate | 02-19-2017 20:36 by Proud Snowflake Comments (0)  


   messageicon sometimes I still wish I had Jessie's Girl.
←Rate | 02-19-2017 11:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gotten excited for nothing thinking she was touching herself under the covers but she was actually just opening a Kit Kat she didn't wanna share.
←Rate | 02-19-2017 09:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
←Rate | 02-19-2017 09:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to spend more time in the s#*tter at work.
←Rate | 02-19-2017 09:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know I would be an awesome Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it bad."
←Rate | 02-19-2017 09:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Razor blade Commercials: Stop shaving beautiful smooth legs to impress me... If you want to sell me a razor blade shave a freaking gorilla.
←Rate | 02-19-2017 09:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Long story short, those aren't my pantaloons.
←Rate | 02-19-2017 03:11 Comments (0)  




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