Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my wife I wanted a 72" TV, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a 72" TV.

   What if the first man to try and drink Milk from a cow had mistakenly picked a bull ?

   Do you know is not for some people smoking Marijuana the murder rate would be a lot higher than it is.. So get high and keep the murder rate low. . .

   If I saved money as much as I saved porn , I'd be rich.

   The best way to teach your little kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream

   With all the transgender BS going on. I am worried about claiming to be a man. I'm confused. . .

   I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the cd's I never paid for .

   NASA announced that the Earth-like planets orbiting Trappist-1 already has about 300 Starbucks on them.

   had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

   I now identify as someone who is disappointed in everyone. I don't care about your bathrooms, I am just gonna pee where I want.

   Madonna was offering blowjobs to men for their vote for Hillary. I took the blow job and still voted for Trump. . .

   That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sammiches.

   Original Transgender: Titanic Captain: We're short on boats, women & children first. Guy1*coughs*: I identify as a woman. Guy2:I'm a woman too

   Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.

   You ever bought a case for your cell phone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on a kid's head.

   Yes, I'm Italian. But don't care about Sinatra, The Godfather or Al Pacino. I'm in it for the food.

   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.

   I'm giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. However, for less than a dollar a day you can help us dig a well in their village so that those poor children won't have to climb that hill daily.