Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If putting a straw in a Capri Sun is evidence of my stabbing skills, I hope I'm never in a knife fight.

   Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever and it starts over because it forgot something. That's a five year old kid telling a story.

   Just saw a cop pull over a UHaul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

   Just my luck, first time I get a B.J and it's from a hooker with Asthma !

   [] <- This is my box. I don't want to think outside it, I like my box! No, you can't touch my box! No touchy my box!

   We might be best friends for life, but if we get chased by zombies, I will probably trip you. :)

   Yes ... Stop burning the US flag..... But ALSO stop waving the Mexican flag in America because that's disgusting af

   I just voted for Trump just to make SNL funnier.....

   I establish dominance in a relationship by being a man.

   At the Dr. office today. Either someone is wearing cotton candy scented lotion or a #unicorn peed in this corner.

   Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'. Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.

   A cigarette shortens life by 2 min,a beer shortens life by 4 minutes,a Monday at work shortens life by 8 hours

   ou do Waiters in the Restaurant always ask you as soon as you enter,"Would You Like a Table Sir?” … “No not at all, I came to the Restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”

   My personal trainer says that I need to start eating healthier. I guess this means I have to start adding lettuce & tomato to my burgers

   You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth

   If my "check Fuel" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it

   Being a Man is great until you hear a noise late at night and your wife makes you realize that you are the one who is supposed to go investigate

   My first childhood Lesson was that if you dream you're having a piss, you are most likely having a piss

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity

   Dear Facebook, how does it matter what Trump thinks about me? What matters is what he thinks about our beautiful land of America