Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Madonna was offering blowjobs to men for their vote for Hillary. I took the blow job and still voted for Trump. . .

   That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sammiches.

   Original Transgender: Titanic Captain: We're short on boats, women & children first. Guy1*coughs*: I identify as a woman. Guy2:I'm a woman too

   Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.

   You ever bought a case for your cell phone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on a kid's head.

   Yes, I'm Italian. But don't care about Sinatra, The Godfather or Al Pacino. I'm in it for the food.

   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.

   I'm giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. However, for less than a dollar a day you can help us dig a well in their village so that those poor children won't have to climb that hill daily.

   Its a man's responsibility to feed his wife because the last time the woman fed the man ........we all got chased out of the garden of Eden!

   Your parents are still alive and togather but when you asked "who is your favourite couple?" your answer is "Jay Z and Beyonce",for real?

   Someone tripped and fell right in front of me , and I didn't point at them and laugh hysterically . Damn I'm getting old.

   Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... You have my Word.

   Ever have one of those nights you were almost involved in a threesome, but one hand fell asleep. . .

   7 earth-like planets have been discovered nearby, with growing fear of illegal aliens, Trump has decided to turn his wall into a dome.

   (Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.

   If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods would someone else make a sound?