Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1013 of 6446

Madonna was offering blowjobs to men for their vote for Hillary. I took the blow job and still voted for Trump. . .
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02-24-2017 08:49 by JAB
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That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sammiches.
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02-24-2017 07:41
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Original Transgender: Titanic Captain: We're short on boats, women & children first. Guy1*coughs*: I identify as a woman. Guy2:I'm a woman too

Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
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02-23-2017 20:35
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You ever bought a case for your cell phone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on a kid's head.
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02-23-2017 15:52
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Yes, I'm Italian. But don't care about Sinatra, The Godfather or Al Pacino. I'm in it for the food.
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02-23-2017 14:30 by Capicola
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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.
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02-23-2017 13:43
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I'm giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
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02-23-2017 11:03
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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
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02-23-2017 11:01
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Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. However, for less than a dollar a day you can help us dig a well in their village so that those poor children won't have to climb that hill daily.
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02-23-2017 11:00
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Its a man's responsibility to feed his wife because the last time the woman fed the man ........we all got chased out of the garden of Eden!
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02-23-2017 04:16
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Your parents are still alive and togather but when you asked "who is your favourite couple?" your answer is "Jay Z and Beyonce",for real?
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02-23-2017 04:15
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Someone tripped and fell right in front of me , and I didn't point at them and laugh hysterically . Damn I'm getting old.
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02-23-2017 00:38 by U suck
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... You have my Word.
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02-23-2017 00:36 by RonnY
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Ever have one of those nights you were almost involved in a threesome, but one hand fell asleep. . .
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02-22-2017 20:35 by JAB
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7 earth-like planets have been discovered nearby, with growing fear of illegal aliens, Trump has decided to turn his wall into a dome.
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02-22-2017 14:37 by CrackY
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(Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.

"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
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02-22-2017 08:37
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A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
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02-22-2017 07:38 by Anon
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If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods would someone else make a sound?
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02-22-2017 07:23 by Mr E
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