Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.

   Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

   Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

   It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance.

   A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

   Life begins at 40, so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

   The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

   If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

   Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.

   I think my wife is hallucinating..... She keeps telling me she's seeing other people

   If it can’t be fixed with duct tape…then you aren’t using enough duct tape.

   Me wearing Nike shorts is kind of like a minivan with racing stripes.

   If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

   By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

   Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

   i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am I gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

   Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

   If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

   Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes