Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dont blame me for you crazy issues! If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.

   Its funny that people are upset with a gay character in a Disney movie but are perfectly fine with beastuality

   I'm boycotting beauty & the beast because of a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo 💡

   Relationship status…just tried to reach for my cats paw & he pulled away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote

   Here's a thought...How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

   Fun Things to Cry Out during Sex : "Oooh" "Eeeh" "Oooh" "Ahhh, Ahhh" "Ting" "Tang" "Walla Walla Bing Bang"

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he's not home?

   Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

   My wife was mad at me today so I put a cape on her and said, "There. Now you're SUPER mad."

   If I had a penny everytime that I thought about you, my pants would fall down.

   Abolish the department of education for failing and producing Paul Rand who wants to abolish the department of education.

   Should men care about women's rights? Before you answer, remember four important women in your life. Sister...Wife...Daughter...Mother...

   I was in the elevator.... I pressed number 1. The elevator said with an attitude: "You're going down." F#¥k you Otis

   "If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture."

   If any toys in Toy story died the kids would keep playing with them but the other toys would be playing with their dead friends.......creepy

   A 70-year-old man who watches TV for eight hours a day, plays lots of golf, and always seems to be in Florida is a retiree, not a President.

   My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit

   Okay. If you're over 10 years old and you still celebrate your birthday as birthday month, you should seek immediate help.