Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People think I'm not very bright because I spell cat with a k: cak.

   I can never tell when one someone pokes me right back on facebook if they're really into me or has major OCD.

   When life hands you high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodextrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, yellow 5, tocopherol, and less than 3% natural flavours.........make lemonade.

   It is just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.

   Castro Is Dead. Okay, all you Cubanos in Miami can go back now.

   Famous deaths occur in threes. First Florence Henderson, and now Fidel Castro. There's a pattern here. The only one I can figure out that's the next has to be the meatball sub from Subway.

   Don't you hate it when You look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it

   Came Across a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbor's house

   We Are More Brilliant Than Einstein And Newton.. It's Just that ...They Didn't Leave Anything For Us To Invent

   Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide. Sort of proves his point, really.......

   My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

   Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn't.

   When you need magic to happen all you have to do is say "Abra cadabra" and realize you're an idiot for thinking you could make magic happen.

   One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

   The Brad and Angelina situation is hard to take. For starters -- it ruins my hopes of one day being adopted by them.

   The reason why tomato soup and grilled cheese is such a good combo is because it’s basically the same ingredients as pizza.

   “i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”

   If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.

   Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

   Last month Ferrari introduced a new super sports car with a price tag of $2.2 million. They already sold out all 200 that were available. Darn! I shouldn't have taken so long trying to decide what color I wanted.