Funny Status Messages

   Why would you trust your country to someone that you would not be willing to be alone in a room with your teenage daughter?

   Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.

   How we'll truly know when the economy has rebounded: When Reggae bands go back to hiring guys whose only job it is to dance.

   It was fortunate that while investigation into Trump's wild claims took place, there was no other news to report.

   With increased coal production the White House hopes to make steam locomotive travel popular again. Next up, whale oil lamps.

   The bright side of Trump eradicating the ozone layer is even with melanoma and retinal cancer, we can all enjoy the pretty polluted sunsets.

   I knew Trump would declare war pretty soon into his Presidency but I didn't think we'd be so lucky he'd declare war on the "Freedom" Caucus.

   If you think Mike Pence referring to his wife as mother is disturbing, just wait until you hear what Trump calls Ivanka behind closed doors.

   The reason Trump won't release his tax returns is religious. He doesn't want us to mock his profit.

   Republican Marriages: To avoid temptation, Mike Pence won't dine alone with women. To avoid temptation, Melania Trump lives in New York.

   I can't help wondering if the Oval Office has a special closet for Mike Pence.

   Flynn has agreed to testify in exchange for immunity. "Can someone please offer me a deal?" responds Melania Trump.

   Obama ethics lawyer slams Ivanka hiring as unethical. You should never hire someone you want to bang.

   Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   If you're a man and you post pics of nothing but cute little kittens on your Facebook timeline, effective immediately according to section 19 article 3 'YOU MUST turn in your MAN card!'.

   Bruce Springstein @ $500 a ticket says "Americas already great"

   When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?

   Genders are like the twin towers, there used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.

   A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't left out.