Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss

   All I need to do is find a woman who is as pathetic as me and I will live happily ever after.

   But in my defense if a girl yelling please don't come yet wants me to last longer she should probably try reverse psychology

   Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time

   Later this year the "Thank you tour" will be making its way through Europe

   Forbes says Taylor Swift was the highest earning musician this year taking home $170 million. Every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, she writes a hit song about it. If this doesn't show what men can do for you ladies, I don't know what does.

   Donald "Twitter Fingers" Trump

   I'm convinced. New York has the largest demographic of nit-wits of any city on the planet.

   I don't blame Trump for speaking via Twitter. Far better to speak directly to the people than through a biased media who twists his every word.

   Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.

   Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

   wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair

   You just don’t see people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

   Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed ....

   I'm the reason Waldo is hiding

   TAMPAX is keeping their jobs in America now, too! Trump really must have had to pull some strings to keep them here!

   I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."

   I can't stand all these 'Stand with Standing Rock' Facebook post anymore

   I called a crematory to make an appointment, they told me they don't do live customers...

   Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.