Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1001 of 6384
In high school, I wasn't the class clown. I was the class trapeze artist, because I was always suspended.
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12-08-2016 12:22
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I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.
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12-08-2016 09:12
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Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person Of The Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged...
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12-08-2016 01:25
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i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my 'WTF' lines and those things are deep.
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12-07-2016 10:54
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Joker: I'm calling DHS, You're endangering a minor... Batman: He's my partner... Joker: Why's he in his underwear?.. Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.
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12-07-2016 07:48 by snotty
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I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions.
COWORKER: ...and so, my big toe got cut off.... ME:. *farts*.... Sorry, I'm lack-toes intolerant
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12-06-2016 19:55 by snotty
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Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow
Can you be sued for malpractice if you're not really a Gynecologist ?
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12-06-2016 18:31
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Does anyone know WHY Waldo is hiding ?
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12-06-2016 18:09
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Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...
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12-06-2016 16:41
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Based on this Target restroom, either not everyone is shaving off their pubes or they're shaving them off in here!
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12-06-2016 15:46
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Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Why go to all the holiday expense of visiting relatives in another state when you can stay at home and set yourself on fire for free?
I should of went to the store before I gone to bed but I was to tired and I went to their to early and I was afraid I would loose to much sleep.
they are making new a fast and furious and a new transformers movie. any hope I had for 2017 being a good year has fast evaporated
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12-06-2016 12:30
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I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
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12-06-2016 07:48
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Slow dancing with a fat person? That's like trying to move a refrigerator by yourself."
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12-06-2016 03:37
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"What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?? Barackoli.."
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12-06-2016 03:37
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