Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon They say, "The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room". Sit down r.a.y.. Your insecurity is showing.
←Rate | 03-15-2017 18:38 by Donnie Comments (2)  


   messageicon Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
←Rate | 03-15-2017 18:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've been eating Cheerios for years and never once have I felt like dancing before, during or after eating them
←Rate | 03-15-2017 15:11 by DP Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dance like your microwave isn't watching
←Rate | 03-15-2017 11:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "But millions of people are going to end up losing their health insurance!" -What the critics said when Obamacare was being developed.
←Rate | 03-15-2017 09:13 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Pandora's problem was that she didn't think outside the box.
←Rate | 03-15-2017 08:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had lunch today with a chess player. I asked him to pass the salt and it took him 20 minutes.
←Rate | 03-15-2017 08:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There’s more than one way to skin a cat but the cat probably won’t like any one of them.
←Rate | 03-15-2017 08:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was young I kept asking myself what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now I know the answer: I want to be young.
←Rate | 03-15-2017 08:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Working on being less of an azz than I was yesterday...baby steps.
←Rate | 03-15-2017 07:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife asked why I carry a gun in the house, I said Spies. She laughed, I laughed ,the microwave laughed .
←Rate | 03-14-2017 20:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They spy on you through your microwave because they know its the one place you cant put your tin foil.
←Rate | 03-14-2017 17:46 by TerryC Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you're one of the people wasting hours of your life throughout the day watching the live stream of that giraffe that refuses to have her baby, just stop. She'll most likely birth at like 3:30am while you're all asleep anyways. #ShesFakingIt #Shejustfat
←Rate | 03-14-2017 17:12 by Michael M Comments (0)  


   messageicon just microwaved some soup......ever get the feeling you're being watched?
←Rate | 03-14-2017 17:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've stopped brushing my teeth in preparation for St. Patty's Day
←Rate | 03-14-2017 16:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon OMG the internet is broken. I just searched for pictures of bare naked ladies and all I found was a bunch of pictures of old fat guys.
←Rate | 03-14-2017 16:00 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I'm having an old person moment....How do I work the camera on my microwave?
←Rate | 03-14-2017 15:55 by Ian B Comments (0)  


   messageicon The microwave sent those nudes, not me.
←Rate | 03-14-2017 15:05 by Baddie Comments (1)  


   messageicon I just want to see how many stupid people there are. If you think microwaves are spying on Trump, vote down. If not, vote up.
←Rate | 03-14-2017 11:14 Comments (12)  


   messageicon I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".
←Rate | 03-14-2017 10:27 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  




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