Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

   Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

   He died doing what he loved, sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

   Values of the woke: Victimizing yourself is powerful, bravery is dangerous, self-responsibility is someone else’s responsibility, reality isn’t real.

   Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

   Dear, what-ever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now, thanks.

   I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.

   A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

   Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

   If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

   By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

   To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

   Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

   I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

   Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’

   Bacon and eggs along with Toast all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

   Does the term don't drop the soap in jail apply to women prisons?

   to the lady with all the hot selfies who claims she could steal my husband if she wanted... I will have him ready for you at 2

   I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

   Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?” Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.