aaron Funny Status Messages

   Do all Kmart's have a guy that chokes you while you're pooping? Or was that just a random dude?

   The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her.

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Chinese dudes jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

   Never turn your back on a charging turtle.

   I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."

   I bet you wish you could cut and paste a brain into your head.

   I've learned that sometimes I just have to check my ego at the door. Especially on such occasions when my ego won't fit through the door.

   Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

   I lost my pet stone in North Africa. Where did Morocco?

   Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you havent pissed in 8 hrs

   Everyday is a constant struggle to not give in and finally taste one of the dogs Beggin' Strips.

   Everything I know about U.S. history and geography I learned by reading the sides of U-Haul moving trucks.

   Wanna help me test out my new guillotine? I'll do all the hard work, you can just lie there...

   Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?

   Jupiter's gravitational pull is so strong that we use it to help thrust our probes deeper into space...

   Not all mushrooms give you an extra life.

   Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

   Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.