Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   I have a sore throat, a headache and a dry cough. We all know what that means. I'm never buying weed from Alowishus Jackson again.

   The Media in a nutshell... On the Flu: "It's going around." On the Coronavirus: It's coming after you, and it's coming hard! Bet on it!"

   How effective is the absorbency of an oak leaf? Asking for a squirrel.

   I'm so used to ending phone calls with family and friends by saying "I love you", that I accidentally said it to the female agent at Spectrum. Anyway, she gave me 6 months of free internet and HBO.

   And just like that, people on Facebook went from being politicians to being epidemiologists.

   Has a 24 pack of Charmin Extra Soft. Willing to trade for a bottle of Imodium A-D.

   Some guy: "Bro, I got a limo for me and my friends! In your face!" Me: "Wow. You have 90 dollars."

   I got an air fryer because it's healthier. Of course along with my air fried pork chops I had 5 lbs of mashed potatoes with a stick of butter and a Key Lime Pie for dessert.

   Virus or no virus, cruises hold no appeal for me. It's akin to a 5 star house arrest that's centered around overeating, which I can do quite well in the comfort of my own home.

   Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two pots of coffee and a dozen donuts.

   This Coronavirus is putting me through Purell.

   Daylight Saving Time arrives tomorrow. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it 8 months.

   Media sensationalism is playing a role in the Coronavirus. Still, the virus is nothing to sneeze about. (See what I did there?)

   At what age do you stop needing deodorants and start smelling like mothballs? (Asking for a friend.)

   I'm giving up organized religion for Lent.

   The worst part about growing old is having to hang out with old people.

   My idea of surf and turf is salt water taffy served on Easter grass.

   I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, milking the cows, slopping the hogs, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.

   There will soon come a day when the only thing we'll use modern technology for is to reminisce about how good things were before modern technology.