Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm sorry I put on surgical gloves to shake your hand.

   I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.

   I just yawned and my last girlfriends soul flew out.

   Every yawn is a potential blowjob if you're fast enough.

   Contrary to popular belief, cats actually love water. You just have to set them on fire first.

   No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.

   Congratulations on your internet fame! Now table six could really use some more coffee.

   *takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"

   i don't understand the hype around iOS8, people update java and adobe flash player on a daily basis and don't tell everyone about it.

   Girlfriend said "Do you want to go to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert?" & I said "Do you want to have a different boyfriend that isn't me"

   Hey kids, see that new sports car over there? Well your old man got a promotion today & got some new glasses so I also see the car. nice car

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because dogs can only bark.

   The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*

   Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in one week.

   Yesterday I heard a young white kid tell his mom "I hate you and you annoy me, you stupid b*tch" Then a black woman slapped me just for hearing it

   Sorry I pissed on your leg. I thought you were flirting with me.

   That's easy, here, hold my beer for a sec..

   The Black Eyed Peas are just regular peas that got on an elevator with Ray Rice.

   Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

   I got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.